All In

This morning my pastor mentioned the subject of being present.  For me, this is a sensitive subject because I am constantly thinking about the future and wanting to create it for myself.  I get so excited about the things to come that I lose what is happening right now.  My present becomes consumed with the thoughts and planning of tomorrow.  Why do I do this?  Because ultimately, I control nothing- not even my own mind.  Being present and putting one foot in front of the other is something I have to work on constantly.  I have be intentional about it just like I have to be intentional about so many other things.

My pastor talked about this under the umbrella subject of marriage this morning.  (Referencing 1 Corintians 7) Now, for myself and probably many others out there- I love the subject of marriage.  I could talk about it, think about it and wonder about it all day and that is a main reason why I have such a hard time being present especially in relationships.  Our marriages are supposed to be a direct reflection of the marriage between God and His church.  We are His bridegroom for whom His love is unconditional.  I used to accept such an analogy before but never really took it heart.  I just could not grasp the idea of being married to God like I could be married to a husband. "Yes, I love Jesus and He loves me but He is not able to hold my hand or kiss me at the altar so it's not exactly like a marriage, right?"  I realized that my thoughts about marriage were mainly consumed with the ideas that did not come from God, but rather the society in which I live and the traditions of marriage that humans have created.  Rather than think of my marriage with Christ first and then think of a model of that for my marriage with a husband, I use the model of an "American"  husband and wife as the basis for my marriage with Christ. I thought that because it was not necessarily tangible that it was not exactly real.

However, I know it's real.  I know that I am already a married woman.  I have a bridegroom who seeks my heart constantly and provides everything I could ever need.  I run around looking for other things to satisfy me and in the end when I am used up and empty, I always end up running home to the only constant in my life, Christ.  He protects me but does not imprison me.  His love is not conditional but it is jealous for all of me.

I am a personable person and therefore enjoy human relationships.  I am fascinated by the ability for two people to connect on deeper levels than just talking - this does not mean just romantic relationships but also friendships.  Those times when you spend hours talking and yet it seems like minutes.  My goodness, I never want those moments to end!  Yet I limit my conversations with God.  "I'll have a quiet time for half an hour this morning and that will be good."  Why do I do this?  It's because I am not present in the relationship and letting our conversations get deeper than just the surface.  I am not all the way in it.  Just as our relationships with each other will struggle if one person is not completely in it, so will our relationship with God be a struggle.   It's time to surrender completely every part of me and be in this relationship.  I have given too much of myself to other things I thought would fill me and they have ultimately left me more broken than before.  I need God and He actually wants me!  Not just half of me or the "spiritual" part of me... but ALL of me.  I don't want to be spread out anymore.  I want to be one with my husband and reap the benefits of a healthy marriage.  I always give a little of myself to many different things and with that only a little of me experiences it.  I cling to something or someone else because the thought of complete surrender terrifies me.  Not having someone to distract me from my brokenness terrifies me.  Loneliness terrifies me.  These fears are the only things holding me back- ridiculous! God will hold our hands each step if we just free them for Him!  If we stop thinking our insecurities are problems and start knowing that it is those weaknesses that give us the need for God most.  If I am distracted by another relationship and looking for fulfillment only in other people, I don't think I need Him- that's where I am wrong.  I want to be lonely and scared and uncomfortable because in those situations I am dependent upon nothing or no one but God. Yeah, it may suck initially but I don't want these things to depress me- these should bring me joy and hope! I should rejoice in such struggles because they remind me of my need for Him! and He CAN and WILL provide! I keep picturing the moment you leave everything behind and just "jump."  Sometimes God is just waiting for that complete surrender, so He can finally take over. God deserves my all.

This is a daily struggle and will be for the rest of me life here on earth- devoting my whole self to Him, but I don't want to be halfway committed anymore.  If I believe God is sovereign, then I should not worry.

Paul's words in 2 Corinthians about the thorn in his flesh spoke truth to me -

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, and insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  12: 8-10

Weird is Cool

Well, it's about that time for school to end and everyone to move out!  It's crazy that I am almost finished with my first year of college already... time really did fly by!  But then, I think back to ALL the things that have happened over the course of this past year and my goodness it seemed that I never stood still!  I did not realize just how much time I spend with my friends and I am really going to miss them this whole 2 month break for summer- I can't even picture how it's going to feel? What am I going to do without a dorm lobby to hangout in until all hours of the morning?  Who will I be able to eat basically every meal with?  Who will make me laugh constantly? ...AND WHO WILL DO MY LAUNDRY? oh... totes my mom, so that's no biggie 'cuz she da bomb.

Literally, I have the greatest friends and it's cool looking back at the different phases of people you go through the first semesters of college.  At first I feel like you're just trying to meet ANYONE but now I have a solid group of friends that just fell together- you know those friends who you don't remember how you came to be so close with but you are?  Those are the greatest =) As classes change and you start finding your "nitch" you find those people who fit you perfectly and in my case, encourage the heck out of you.  I always heard that I would find those kinds of friends in college and it's true!- awwwww cheese.  

We do the freakin weirdest things... like the time we put paper bags over our heads and popped out of the bushes in front of our dorm and tried to scare people - the bushes were prickly.... Or that time my fish  jumped out of the tank and none of us could find him until I realized I had stepped on him on my rug and he was no longer.. well..  but we had a fish funeral and got a replacement who is evil.  It's those late night taco or frozen yogurt runs that I love and the car rides with Rihanna blaring-  If this is college than count me in because despite the whole "schoolwork" thing I'm lovin' it! 

Well, I guess I should go to bed considering registration is at 7am tomorrow morning... that's the part of college I could do without.  

F is for Family

Last Wednesday was my birthday WOOT WOOT and so my family drove up and then we flew out that night to the beach for Easter break!  -- it was AWESOME.  Since I am 19, my brother 17 and my sister 23-- we are all finally at that point where its fun to just "hangout." You know, everyone's out of the tortured soul middle school phase and theres a general consensus to be chill rather than annoying?  So, thanks to that it was really fun.  My parents are the awesome kinds of people too who are always kids at heart so its like 5 best friends all hanging out together when the family goes somewhere, I love it.  I forget how fun it is to be with my family.  You have my sister who laughs at everything... until shes hungry, my brother who is supa-stylin' and thinks I am the weirdest person in the world, my dad who still cracks "those" jokes and has to be moving 24/7 and my mom who is secretly a secret agent and the funniest person I know, so put us all together and it's a good ol' time! I love it because they know me.  There is no hiding what I am thinking or how I will react because they already can guess- it's so fun to see how much we have grown together and the bond a family has - going through so much together and despite anything we do we will always be family. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze moments together so that we never have to be apart!  My sister is going to law school in Mississippi in the fall and I am in Nashville and my brother/parents are in Memphis, so I cherish the rare times where we are all under the same roof!

Anyways, of course I get burned the first day at the beach and not only did I burn, but apparently someone forgot to teach me how to put on sunscreen because I had splotches of weird redness and then I swear I had a random white spot on my arm in the middle of a sea of red... how did that happen?  Needless to say, it pained me to wear clothes and be in the sun the rest of the week.  I was that girl with a full outfit on out in the sand under the umbrella with no one to play with but a book and some cold sand.  People pitied me.  It's all good though because the burn eventually turned into tan!  Although many people have asked me if I have been going to the tanning bed.... no, shutup, I am offended.  Not really... but a little.

Basically this post does not have a grand purpose except that I just wanted to say how much I love my family and the trips we go on together!  

Mr. Belmont Pageant

I am in an organization known as the Executive Leadership Program (ELP) and we are hosting a Mr. Belmont pageant.  It has so much fun planning this event and I cannot wait to see how it turns out this Wednesday! It really is incredible the things you get accomplished once everyone pulls their weight... just like in any group setting.  I've had to learn alot not only about myself but also about working with other people in this situation.  We are all from different places and have very different personalities.  In the beginning, we kind of pushed around to see where we fit and after lots of squirming I think we finally realized the places each one of us needed to be.  It has been amazing getting to work with these people and learning how to organize something from the ground up!  We have put in alot of effort and now it's showtime.  I get so freaking giddy when things that I am working on start falling together and this is such a big deal!!! 

If you want to check it out just visit the Facebook page--Mr. Belmont Pageant

Love one another.

So my friend invited me to a Bible study that some of the students around Belmont hold every Wednesday night and it was just beautiful.  First off I love Bible studies... and there is a difference between a Bible study and fellowship (to me).  Tonight was a time where scripture was read and explained and contemplated and discussed.  Now, I love fellowship as well and everything about sharing in the joy of Christ with other people but there comes a time when believers need to sit and read scripture together.  There comes a time when we must return to the root from which we grow and make sure we are understanding and keeping with the Truth.

As I listened to different people open their hearts and share what God is speaking to them right now, I could not help but hold back tears.  I held them back simply out of habit and thinking about it now it probably would not have been such a bad thing to just let the tears of joy flow but anyways... hah I just looked around me and felt the Spirit of God.  I felt the love that comes directly from Him with every encouraging word and smile that passed from one person to the other.  I felt such a strong need for God in that room tonight that it gave me chill bumps.  It is moments like these and Bible studies like this going on all around the world that bring me such hope.  Someone once told me that she loves hearing about Gods work in other people lives because it is a beautiful reminder that He is bigger than her little world and is constantly working whether she sees it in her life right that second or not.
I needed the love that was shown to me tonight.  I needed to feel safe in a group of believers and feel encouraged in the Gospel and I think that is one of the main things that the body of Christ is supposed to do: Love and Encourage eachother.   As Christians, we are making a statement that says "I reflect Christ" and when we divide ourselves or compete or show hatred towards another person we are saying that they are not good enough for our love.  And with that, God's love.  Are we crazy!? Who are we to decide who deserves love or not!?  Sinners, we do not deserve God's love and that is the reason we desperately need Jesus.  If we could earn Gods righteousness there would be no need for a Savior!  


I am going off on a tangent and my mind is just racing with a million things at once but basically I wanted to encourage fellow believers to love one another.  The love of God is supernatural and attractive more than we can even comprehend so when people who don't know that love first see it, they are amazed.  It may be uncomfortable a lot of the time to show that love to everyone but look at Jesus's ministry.... the man made everyone uncomfortable at some point!  That's how they knew His love was different! Jesus tells us in John 13:35 that "all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."  People, how can we love others is we do not even love our own family in Christ?  If we are excited about what God is doing and show that beautiful unconditional love to one another than others will want to be apart of it because its the Truth.  Do not worry so much about being uncomfortable or looking stupid by loving people so hard... when we are the most uncomfortable and weak than Jesus is strongest and most evident because we are not in the way.  We have no control and so everything is up to Him.  I would so much rather Him be the one working through me than me trying to make something out of myself!!

Excuse my word vomit. I let my fingers go to work and hope that God was the one moving them, which I know He was because I have no idea what I just typed and it took up a good 3 paragraphs! The power and love of God is something that can never be talked about enough.  It can never be shown enough or shared with others enough.  Its everlasting and constantly at work.  If you are a believer I challenge you (as I am challenging myself) to step out in faith and show the love of Christ even when it feels uncomfortable.  Whether that be a kind word, a serving spirit, a little generous gift- show someone love.  You never know what might happen when you leave it up to God because He has no limits =)

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 

Philippians 2:1-4