"We live in a fallen world..."

First off, let me start this by saying that when I moved here, I wanted to be uncomfortable. I wanted a change of scenery, to be in the mix and to get to know people from different backgrounds and experiences. I wanted to be challenged, my eyes widened and my mind opened to a world outside of the bubble I have comfortably lived in for so long.  I have been experiencing these things for the last 3 months and tonight is the first time I am feeling a little overwhelmed by it all.  

I volunteered to serve meals at the Rescue Mission tonight and left feeling pretty beat down.  It wasn’t because it was tough work (it was) but rather the reality that we live in a fallen world. Tonight this realization hit me hard and I can't seem to shake it.  I arrived at the mission about 3 minutes past 4:00pm and raced in to profusely apologize for being a little late.  The man behind the counter didn’t even acknowledge my tardiness but rather gave me a smile so genuine I could feel his joy seeping from his spirit.  “Hi there! Can I help you?”  “Oh, yes, I am a first time volunteer…” “Great!”, he said as he gave me two sheets of paper to sign.  After I finished, I gave him back the pen and he looked me in the eye and said, “Thank you so much for being here.”  I quickly looked away, “Oh, yeah! Well, thanks for letting me come on such short notice!” (I emailed them just the day before) I had a hard time accepting the “thank you” when I was the one just showing up and leaving right after and he was working there day in and day out.  Praise God for those committing their lives to the seemingly thankless and not-so-glamourous occupations.

I’ve worked in a kitchen before, so I felt comfortable with the protocols: hair net, apron, gloves, check.   I even found myself quickly picking up the fast lingo & tough love coming from the kitchen staff. “You’re our only volunteer tonight. I usually have at least two, so you’re going to have to work hard and move fast,” the cook told me.  “Yes sir! I responded, as if I were on a ship for some reason… thank goodness I didn’t actually salute… For some reason, I half expected it to be overflowing with volunteers.  It surprised me that for a city where you can barely walk 10 feet without getting shoved by someone on the sidewalk, I was the only volunteer that night.  (I guess because New York is so expensive to live in, most people are still working from 4-6:30pm, barely affording to keep themselves afloat.)

Anyways, there was the cook that made all the food and has since he got clean 7 years ago through the 9-month program at the mission as well as a dishwasher who was currently going through the program, and then there was me.  They run a pretty tight ship around there and we quickly had a system going. I loaded up the plates, the cook passed them to people in line & the washer took them back, washed them again and handed them back to me to refill for the next group.  I was feeling pretty good and happy about the way things were going until I saw a young mother with her child coming through the line.  I noticed they were both rail-thin and I knew the cook would be okay if I handed her a tiny extra drumstick of chicken for the child.  What seemed like a no-brainer for me, giving the mother and the child each a piece of chicken, ended up becoming a big problem to the young man behind her as I handed him his plate with one piece of chicken. “What is this? Why am I only getting one piece when she got two?” he exclaimed. “I am sorry, sir, she has a child with her. Everyone only gets one piece and there are two of them, so they each should get a piece,” I said calmly, trying to make him understand. “That is messed up and I can’t believe it. It’s amazing the kind of world we live in now,” he exclaimed as he slammed his plate on the counter and stormed off.  “What does that even mean?” I thought. “In what world would you not feed both the woman and her child?”  You see, the woman with the child was caucasian and the man behind her was an African American.  He saw my choice to give her two pieces as racist and for a solid 15 minutes he refused to sit down at his table. Instead, he stood at his seat and stared at me, hoping I would feel his anger and realize I had messed up.  But, I knew I didn’t. I knew race was not why I handed her another tiny piece.  I handed her an extra drumstick because her child was starving and needed food, too.  I then began to feel a tinge of guilt, “Why didn’t I just give her one piece like everyone else? Then, he wouldn’t be so mad at me and everything would be fine.”  No, that would not be right either; that child does not deserve to be punished because he was in a stroller and unable to hold his own plate.  What kind of world do we live in now where racism is automatically assumed?  I finally asked the two men working there what to do because not only was his stare getting stronger, but my heart was breaking over the whole thing.  “How do I fix this?” I asked them.  “You don’t, honey, you just don’t worry about it.  Don’t let him bother you, you’re doing a good job. We just live in a fallen world.” Those words almost made me cry.  I cannot base what I do off trying to be good or making people happy, it will never be enough: We live in a fallen world.  My efforts to play it safe and make sure I am always “culturally relevant” or “pleasing everyone” will be in vain because I do not serve this world and its ever changing tempo… I serve the one and only Father above.  I have no idea what that young man has gone through nor do I have any idea what the other people passing through that line have experienced.  My heart ached that he felt so wronged by my actions because that meant he had experienced something painful in his past.  How could I have expected to show up and feel good after diving into a community where people are trying to escape the world and eat at least one meal in peace? 

I heard a sermon recently where the pastor bluntly told everyone to stop trying to do what others want you to do.  “When you reach the heavenly gates there will not be a crowd of people asking if you did what they wanted, no, there will be you and God and He’s going to ask you what you did with what He gave you.”  That hit me hard. So often I work to please others, not step on anyones toes and make a good impression so that everyone remains calm and O.K. What a TERRIBLE way to live! Essentially, it means I walk on egg-shells trying to adapt to whatever anyone wants me to be in order to be accepted. “The stronger your convictions are the more opposition you will face when you follow God,” said the pastor.  In other words, the more closely you follow the Lord, the more likely you are to ruffle people’s feathers because the Gospel is not some sugar coated funny business; The Gospel of Christ is offensive to those living in accordance with the world.  By saying “yes” to God you are also saying “no” to looking like everyone else.  You are choosing to behave differently, not basing your joy, happiness or peace on whether you are accepted by others or not.  How are others to distinguish Christians from the rest of the world if we are constantly trying to just blend in?  That sermon was exactly what I needed to be reminded of before I entered into the mission tonight.  I will never be able to understand the hurt of another, but I can love, serve and honor God through loving, serving and honoring others as much as possible despite the reactions I might receive in return.  

Change for the Better

I cannot tell you just how many days and nights I have sat in my bed wanting to type out all of the things floating around.  I want to document the craziness that has been my life for the past few months and keep up with the amazing things God is doing but the more time passes the more I just think, "It's been too long now and nothing will make sense." However, I am finally throwing all of that away with a big "WHO CARES JUST DO IT NOW" mentality.

And what is "now" exactly?  Well, in a few short weeks I will be flying to New York to find a place to live... what. Part of me cannot believe it is finally almost here and the other part of me feels like time could not move fast enough!  I have dreamt of doing it for years yet as time moves closer I cannot help but already miss every little thing and person around me that I have come to know and love.  I left work today almost in tears because I realized just how beautiful our little art community really is and how ridiculously lucky I have been to work so closely with the people that I do. The tears kept coming when I pulled into my driveway and saw my brothers and my best friends cars and I realized I was living the dream because I was living with them.  Then, I got dressed and drove to an event where my other friend was having a jewelry show and realized how amazing it was that I got to be apart of it and witness her doing her thing.  THEN I got home and my dad came over to fix my brothers door which only kept the waterworks coming because I realized that I was living right down the road from my parents and seeing them on a regular basis has been an incredible gift.

Why am I still leaving?  I don't know, honestly, but I need to go.

I have such a love/hate relationship with change. On the one hand, I crave it and on the other I wish things could stay in "the good ole days" forever.  But, how do I know these are the good ole days?  These days are good, but I hope they keep getting better.  I have these fears of when I grow older that I will never be as free as I am now.  I may not be, but that does not mean I will not be happy.  I may not be able to live with my brother ever again but that does not mean I will not continue to have a relationship with him and see him often, the same goes with my parents and my best friends.  Nothing that changes has to be lost, it simply takes on a new look and hopefully for the better.  

Matt & Ben

Remember how I was talking about not being able to be present or see the big picture right now? Well, yesterday was one of those days where I intentionally tried to kick those things in the face and live.

So you know what I did? I woke up and spent my morning doing some of the things that I love most: meditating with the Lord on my porch with my favorite iced coffee and watching the rest of the city wake up.  Ever since I was little I have loved the mornings... don't get me wrong, I love sleeping in but there is something about waking up early and having a special moment greeting the sun as it rises... no one "needing" you yet and no demands... just sitting and collecting your self in the innocent quietness.  It really is one of the few times where I truly value being alone.

After that, I went to another one of my favorite places, my job.  I work at an art gallery downtown and I can honestly say that that place, especially the people who work there, have been huge for me the past 8 months.  I began as an intern there last spring and then for some reason they decided to hire me and keep me around. I have learned not only so much about myself, but also so much about what it means to do what you love and love what you do.  It has helped me calm down and settled a few questions in regards to "What in the world am I good at enough to do as a job?" haha  Needless to say, the Lord heard my cry for direction and led me to a pretty great place.

One of the things I really love about working downtown is the huge diversity of people I get to meet.  From art gurus to tourists from all over the world to little old men who work in the office down the block, I get to have some of the neatest conversations.  Yesterday, I met two Australian guys who ended up teaching me a whole lot without even realizing it.

Matt and Ben (I instantly connected it with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck but they were not amused) had met each other at a hostel in New Orleans.  Then, they parted ways and ended up crossing paths again in Nashville... kind of crazy awesome, right?  Both of them have been traveling for quite sometime and I could not help but want to pick their brain about it all in hopes of one day getting to have a similar adventure.  Matt is nearing the end of a 15 month bike trip across north and central america while Ben is finishing up his tour of the U.S. and headed to Colombia pretty soon.  As they were telling me this all I could think about was how lonely they must be. I mean, they are doing all of this traveling by themselves basically, so why aren't they terribly depressed?  Ben even has a girlfriend back home... doesn't he miss her too much to be gone this long?  These are some of the girly questions popping in my mind.  When I asked Matt how he managed to do it for so long he looked around the table and said, "I'm not alone, I've got you guys!"  I kind of rolled my eyes and laughed but then I realized it... he's not lying?  How can he be so happy being with strangers?  I envied Matt's ability to be present, with his snarky sense of humor and infectious laugh, I found myself not wanting dinner to end because he reminded me of how I used to once view life.  When I asked him what was one of the most important things he has learned throughout his travels so far he said, "I have learned that I can really do whatever I want. If I really, truly set my mind on something... I can really do it."  He didn't mean it in a selfish way, but in that he did not have to listen to "misinformed" people (as he put it) to make decisions.  People thought he was nuts for wanting to do a bike trip but look at him now! That was some good encouragement for me. There are always going to be people who think they know exactly what you should do and I do believe in following wise council... but where would we be had some very key people not taken a leap of faith and gone against the norm?

Somehow I had veered away from being like Matt and Ben... able to sit and enjoy a strangers company where ever I may be.  I had forgotten how good it feels to hear about people from far away places and realize we are all still human.  I had forgotten how much I can learn from people like Matt and Ben if I only just let down my "comfort fortress" for a second and listen.

God is talking to us and showing us things all the time. Whether it be through a conversation, a beautiful flower or a book, He wants to communicate with us... we just have to unlock the door and let Him in.  

Let me be honest here...

I need to be honest. When it comes to being patient or taking the time to learn and grow, I think I just might be the absolute worst.  Now, I value learning and growing but the process hurts and I don't know about you but I really hate hurting.  Time and time again I am told that growing pains are good even though they can feel absolutely strange and uncomfortable. They stretch us and make us more flexible.  I think that is what I want to be, too... flexible.

I started doing hot yoga (I know, crazy right?) but it has been amazing.  My body has needed to be stretched in new ways and my breathing has needed to be steadied.  It forces me to slow down for an hour with a community of supportive people and accept where I am and what my body is doing.  I cannot do the crazy headstand pose like the pregnant lady in front of me does yet, but I will!  

Also, I am learning to accept myself as someone not harmful to others.  I have been hard on myself for what seems like forever because I hurt people.  I do not mean to, but I do and a lot of the times it is out of my own hurting that I do it. Out of my confusion comes frustration and when I do not understand myself I get frustrated that others do not either. How silly!! Understanding my own hurt has really opened my eyes to how sensitive we are to each other- how inevitable hurting is and how wretchedly harmful we can be to each other if we continue to act out of our own self-loathing.  

Basically, I want to encourage you to be patient with others and with yourself.  There is no formula or timeline and every path is different.  Do not hold onto the past but forgive each other.  I have been reading about forgiveness in the bible and the Lord literally says it sosososososo many times.  I know that I have the HARDEST time forgiving and forgetting, but then I think about the times I have asked for forgiveness and have needed it so badly that it reminds me just how important it really is.  Let go of things... things you are so scared of losing and let God have it.  Let go of what you know (or what you think you know) and trust that God will actually take care of you.  Take a leap if you feel He is nudging you and be humbled.  I can honestly say I have never regretted the things I have done out of pure vulnerability.  It is the things I did not do out of fear that frustrate me. (but they also taught me lessons) Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there by loving unconditionally is terrifying... but it's what we are supposed to be doing and it's what we would be doing had sin not blurred our vision.  What's holding you back? Fear is not an option.

Anyways, He is good and His plans are good... this is what I am needing to hear right now. 

Remember the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew? 

v.21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Words of advice: Cling to the truths that you know.  Embrace where you are.. where you are hurting.. where you have been and where you are going.  Look around at the good things: the friends you have supporting you, the exciting new opportunities, the smiles you receive from strangers.  All of these things are from the Lord because all of them are good.  Do NOT lose hope, but make sure you are hoping in the right things. 

So often I cling to the past because it is what I think I know; It is what justifies my future but that is also a lie.  I am not what I was and I am not what others think I am. We are constantly changing and being renewed daily.  I cannot even tell you just how much I have changed this summer!  Chapters are constantly being closed and new ones opened.  How boring a book is when we are stuck in such a long chapter... the story never progresses!  I think sometimes we cycle through things so that we can learn from them and not repeat the same mistakes... This does not mean we should avoid walking that trail all together, but that we can now walk it in a new and better way than the first time around since we learned how to jump we can avoid the puddle this time!

Joy comes in the morning and I have realized it also comes after the mourning [see what I did there? ;) ]

At a loss for words

Over the past few weeks I have had so many ideas, questions, comments and stories fill my mind but no time to actually sit down and pour them out!  However, tonight is the night.  Tonight I put off my homework for just a little bit longer and leave my phone in the other room so that I can rummage through some of this chaos bouncing around in my brain dying to stick to something a little more concrete. 

I find that my thoughts look a lot clearer outside of my brain and on paper (or computer screen) because I am able to step back and actually read them from a more objective perspective.  I am able to think, “Wow, that sounds stupid..” or “Okay, Cassidy, you might be over reacting…”  When something traumatic happens, I find that the best thing to do is to let your thoughts escape your brain so that they no longer torment you; they no longer run the show and you are able to dance freely in open space again. 

Recently, my thoughts have been my own worst enemy.  I have woken up hours before I should have and just laid in my bed letting my mind run away from me.  Sometimes, I do believe this is healthy and that our minds deserve a little break but too often do I get trapped in a web of false beliefs and made up realities.  I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to just live in my mind and be able to make up the world around me as I went, but that was a long time ago before I knew just how cruel the mind can be.  If I ate poison, I would get sick and eventually die.  This is how I see the mind- once we fill it with a little poison, it can spread and eventually take over your entire being.  I am realizing the importance of “taking thoughts captive” now, and just how hard it is to train the mind against what it has always been able to do. 

Thank God for answering when we cry out to Him, though!  I asked Him to help me not let my mind run away and to purify my thoughts and let me tell you… when the Lord provides, He provides and then some.  I still wake up super early, but instead of laying there I make myself some breakfast and sit in my “productive” chair and talk to Him.  I used to make this a priority  all the time but as do most things when one gets busy, it got pushed aside.  Anyways, I sit in my chair and I “have coffee with God.”  I cannot tell you how many “coffee dates” I have been on since moving to Nashville.  My goodness we are the red-light district for coffee! So often do I sit for 30 min to an hour with a friend and catch up.  Coffee dates are fun because there is not expectation to have a whole night planned or spending alot of money or even wondering if it is a “real date.”  It’s comfortable.  I realized that I have had coffee with just about everyone but the One person with whom I feel the most comfortable and who needs to be caught up on a lot, God. 

So, every morning God and I have a coffee date and when my mind trails off I try to bring it back by doing what Nouwen suggests in Life of the Beloved, repeating St. Francis’s prayer or a Psalm or even the Lord’s supper. 

This post has gone so far from what I was expecting but that is the beauty of letting your thoughts escape because only when I free them do I understand what they actually wanted to say.