Red and Yellow, Black and White

For my Intro to Social Entrepreneurship class I have to have 16 hours of service-learning and mine is with an organization called Martha O'Bryan.  Just so I don't mess it up I'm going to copy and paste their mission statement from their website so you kind of understand what's up: On a foundation of Christian faith, the Martha O'Bryan Center empowers children, youth, and adults in poverty to transform their lives through work, education, employment and fellowship. This organization has been around for a long time but just recently a school here in East Nashville, Stratford High School, gave Martha O'Bryan space and has let them turn it into the greatest after school program spot.  They call it the Top Floor and have about 5 rooms that are dedicated to different stuff like homework help, college guidance, just relaxing and so on.  The kids are required to do at least one hour of homework to keep coming there and after that they can play pool or eat snacks etc.  Basically, I go there around 2 and hangout/tutor/mentor high school kids and it's amazing.  The students come from all over the place such as Somalia(majority), Argentina and Kenya.  They are not your typical "poverty" kids. What I mean by that is they do not look like they struggle because their spirits are beaming.  They work hard and have aspirations of making themselves a better future.  Martha O'Bryan is helping break that generation of poverty cycle and let these students know that they have just as much of a chance of getting into college as the next kid- all they have to do is work at it.  The first day "on the job" I sat down with a girl covered from head to toe in her traditional Muslim clothing.  (I can tell you that I was expecting to be all happy go lucky about Jesus and open since it was a Christian organization and all but that was not the case... and I am glad)  With all these different backgrounds and religions you have to be a bit more careful not to come with your shield and sword ready to fight the battle of Christ.  I have learned that the best example of love I can be is not slipping in "Christian" phrases but rather just loving on these kids no matter what.  It does not affect me whatsoever after getting to know them because they are absolutely incredible and so so unique.  AH ok let me get back to my first day... so I sat down with Q (I'm just going to shorten it to the first letters in their names) and she was working on combining sentences with conjunctions, which is harder than I thought and English is my first language? Anyways, she begins to tell me she is from Africa and can speak about 3 other languages along with English.  She does not seem to mind her school work and I am amazed because the next stuff we worked on dealt with electronegativity in science!?  She simply looked at me and said,"I don't understand" and I wanted to be like "Of course you don't - you barely know English!" The stuff we continued to talk about instead of her homework covered everything like what brought her to America and how her dad lived in Italy and just random stuff that probably seemed weird to talk about but we didn't care.  I left that day feeling small.  I almost felt dumb, to be honest, because these kids know so much and have such rich backgrounds that I hadn't had to really experience that yet- and they all came to East Nashville. what? haha It is just another example of how crazy awesome God is and places people where HE wants them.  
    On Tuesday I went up there and sat with a girl named D.  D's family is from Argentina and she speaks spanish to her brother as well as tries to explain it to the other kids when they have homework, but it doesn't usually help since she always ends up confusing them with her slang haha She is hysterical and so full of life you just can't help but want to continue talking with her.  She asked me for help with her Algebra 2 homework and my goodness we sat there for a good 2 hours before making any progress because neither of us knew what the heck was going on.  Martha O'Bryan has a lot of Americore volunteers working their as well so I asked one of them to please help us before we both cry.  There's a girl there with Americore that graduated from Yale and I made an idiot out of myself because I asked her where she went to school and she replied "Yale" and because I thought she said Yah I again said "Oh no, WHERE did you go to school?" and she just looked at me and I knew she was thinking....you're a moron... haha 
   Alright, I wanted to tell about today's experience.  I got there around 2 and walked up the stairs to hear laughter and conversation among everyone just hanging out.  I plopped down on a couch and began talking with two guys there about random stuff and then one kid began to explain how he wanted to be a neurologist.  I immediately got excited and wanted to encourage him until he continued with his reasoning which was to make money.  He said it was the only way he would make alot of money and he didn't really even care about being a neurologist but knew it was a job that would support him.  My heart kind of sunk as I heard this because I just knew he has been raised on the mentality that the only way to success is if you get one of "these" jobs. He had no concept of pursuing what he was good at or what he really wanted to do because he was blinded by the idea of surviving and having a lot of money.  It's hard to encourage such an aspiration, to me, when I know the motive is like that but what do I know? I have never had to survive.  However, he is a rare case because a lot of the other kids really do want to pursue in a field they are gifted in and have goals to get into places like Vanderbilt and Harvard, which is not out of the question for some of these kids.  I am amazed by their perseverance and ability to block out what the world tells them.  They don't hear the words "You can't" because the team at Martha O'Bryan surrounds them with encouragement telling them they CAN. 
    After talking with these guys, I was put on the duty to take two crazy kids outside and throw the football around.  D and T are both high schoolers and have more energy and excitement than any kids I've ever seen.  They are hilarious because they "feed" off each other and crack themselves up moreso than anyone.  After playing a lot of something that resembled football I got to sit with T for a bit and just chat about life.  I asked him what his favorite subject was and he legit said "Girls" and then proceeded to tell me about his 15 GIRLFRIENDS haha I laughed so hard.  T is always singing and him and D actually made up a rap that's not too shabby!  But when we were sitting there, T asked me if he could recite the 50 states in alphabetical order and because I was amazed at the ability to do such a thing I immediately said YAH! So he recites the states and then sings a toon with it and tells me how he loves to sing.  he said he has some of his own songs and after singing one to me he began using sign language.  He said his mom was deaf and taught him how to sign so he liked to use it in his songs so she can understand too.  My heart filled with compassion as he continued to tell me that his dad died on his birthday this year and that he missed him and swears he feels his dad next to him when he wakes up every morning.  This made me want to just jump up and give him a hug right there but I knew I needed to remain cool and just let him talk.  By looking at him, you'd think this girl crazy kid was just another teen skating through school too distracted to care about anything but that's the opposite of what T is.  He wakes up early every Sunday before his mom gets up (so he can watch cartoons) and then walks to church.  He said he loves getting up early because he is the first to arrive and gets to see all the others coming in.  I was overjoyed to hear his love for church and asked him to sing me his song he said he wrote for God.  I can honestly tell you that I had to hold back tears listening to his praise.  It was so simple with words referring to how we need each other and are God's family so we should not be mean to one another.  I worshipped God in that moment listening to T sing.  
   Sorry there is just so much that happened today that I don't want to leave anything out! Another one of the volunteers there is from Germany and just moved here about two weeks ago.  She said that in Germany, after high school the boys are required to either serve one year with the military or one year doing community service and even thought girls do not typically have to do that she wanted to do a year of community service and got plugged in to little ole Martha O'Bryan center here in Nashville, Tennessee.  You can just tell by looking at her that her heart is genuine.  She moved here not knowing anyone and basically floats around looking for someone to help.  Her, myself and two other girls walked back down to the football field and began talking about typical girl stuff. You know, boyfriends names and funny P.E. stories and what we thought was cool and what not.  Two girls were from Somalia, one from Germany and one from America- all sharing the same feelings and thoughts.  It just blows my mind how wonderful that is to be able to connect with anyone by merely sharing the "human" factor.  We cannot escape our inevitable girly feelings and I may be crazy in thinking this but I just loved having that in common because our backgrounds didn't matter in that case- we were just teenage girls wanting to talk and that's the same no matter where you're from.  


PS. I went to my first hockey game tonight and yeah...  I friggin' loved it.

Sometimes it's hard to trust the bigger picture; to know that the piece you're working on right now fits into some bigger puzzle. Most of the time, I try so hard to make a piece fit in a space that I want it to and want to scream at God because it won't go.  Such a cheesy analogy, I know, but makes sense if you think about it!  We question why God won't let a piece fit when in reality we'd probably understand if only we could also know what the picture looks like when it's finished.  Only God knows the finished product and we just have to trust His placement until completion.

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life. ~ Leo Tolstoy

Isaiah 43

My high school had this thing called Bible club and as nerdy as it sounds, it was amazing. It consisted of students thirsty for the Lord and desiring to worship Him in a close knit setting. We sang songs and encouraged one another with personal stories or testimonies as well as sought prayer when we simply did not know what to do. It was a mess at times but ultimately strived for one important goal: deep worship and fellowship. One song in particular brought me to tears every time I heard it. It comes from the scriptures of Isaiah 43 and reminds me of Gods unbelievable power and comfort throughout the storms of our lives. I easily get caught up in my own worries and wonder what in the world I am doing sometimes but the fact is... no matter where I run to I never leave His hands. 

I found a video of the song that has the lyrics as well as the same tune that we sang in Bible club! Of course, watching it does not compare to singing it with close friends in my Bible teacher's cozy living room, but I am still overwhelmed with emotion as I hear those words, "Do not fear: for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are MINE." 

This was in the footnotes of my study Bible and I felt like I needed to share it:

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were pressured to deny God, but they chose to be faithful to Him no matter what happened! They trusted God to deliver them, but they were determined to be faithful regardless of the consequences.  If God always rescued those who were true to Him, Christians would not need faith.  Their religion would be a great insurance policy, and there would be lines of selfish people ready to sign up.  We should be faithful to serve God whether He intervenes on our behalf or not.  Our eternal reward is worth any suffering we may have to endure first."

Give me that ever changing Horizon

I have become aware of a cycle.  I think we all know it and it's often discussed even in my classes about how today's society especially in America just expects everyone to go to school then college and now a days graduate school in order to live a full and successful life.  I have nothing against the cycle and am in it as we speak but I have just thought about it a lot recently and wonder if it really is the best way to go?  It's scary thinking about doing anything else because its like getting off the trail that so many have laid before us that says, "Go this way and you will end up okay."  Do we all have this inner burning flame that wants to just break free and pursue something completely off kilter or is that just me?  I also find it important to distinguish alternative aspirations with ignorance.  Sometimes I find myself wondering what it would be like to do something similar to Chris Mccandless and just live in the middle of the mountains and simply "exist."  However, it really isn't his specific adventure that I am envious of everytime I watch the movie.  What really makes my spirit jump is just the fact that he did not day dream about breaking free, but actually did it.  He put into action everything he would talk about to his sister and never looked back... well until his last days.  I think thats what draws us into the theaters to watch those kinds of movies.  We like watching someone else living the dream we wish we had the guts to do.  I think the simplest solution is to find what our passion is, whether that be becoming successful and living in a big house or painting masterpieces.  Find what makes us tick and then look at the ways in which we can pursue it.  Sometimes we get so caught up in going through day to day routines that we forget the whole reason WHY we are doing them in the first place!  Everyone is different and we all have our passions... whether we choose to go after them and how is something we should think about.  No one is holding you back, except those invisible ropes tied to the assembly line of today's cycle for success.  I mean, look at Jesus, He went against the entire flow of everything around Him and that's the Lord of our entire universe.  Maybe "stepping out of the line of progress" isn't such a scary thing after all?

In his own words, Chris sums up what I just ran around in circles trying to explain...


"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
— Chris McCandless


** you can read the entirety of the letter here
http://www.rewild.info/conversations/index.php?topic=1283.0

Home

So... you could say that I have been homesick.  Not necessarily unhappy with my choice of school but rather sick of not feeling "at home." I never thought I would be as pathetic as I have been and realized this past weekend that what I miss the most is family.  I miss my own immediate family as well as the family I had back in Memphis and that community I grew to know.  I am adjusting here, of course, but part of me is in rebellion against the idea of making Nashville my new home.  I cannot believe it's already been about 3 months.  This city grows on me more and more each day but so does the desire to be surrounded by people that know my past and accept my present.  They do not tell you how difficult adjusting to new surroundings is when they prepare you for college.  They leave out the part where you are taken away from everything you are comfortable with and thrown into the world to start all over again.  Granted, some go to familiar places with quite a few familiar faces, but the overall adjustment to living YOUR life is still hard to swallow.  The only constant in my life is Christ and it is in Him that I find the slightest bit of peace during a lonesome day.  My quiet times have become priority and I know they should have always been priority but it is in college I have learned the true importance of being still.  We need that time with God to fill up before or after a long day of draining out everything we know.  This semester is draining me more than anything simply because I am constantly "selling" myself to each person I meet and putting effort into new friendships formed.  Between that, classes and every extra thing we have planned I need even just half an hour of quietness to calm my spirit and feed my soul.  If we don't reassure ourselves of what we know and who we are in Christ, we can lose ourselves so easily in the hustle and bustle of trying to adjust.  I have learned how to be at peace with where I am, slowly but surely with God's help, and I have realized that things such as making friends does not need to stress me out.  As long as we focus on living for Christ and being all WE are, than don't you think He will take care of placing people in our lives?  I know this is true already with some of the relationships I have formed already.  Each person is a beautiful example of love to me whether they know it or not and it is amazing to see just how creative God is with his placement of people in my life.  He is the God of everything and everyone.  We cannot escape Him nor push Him aside because He knows our every thought.  Creepy?  Not at all. If anything I am in awe because I know my thoughts and to think I am still saved despite my sinful mind is amazing.
   I have no idea what is in store for my life next year or even tomorrow, but I do know that I am alive and in Nashville, Tennessee today.  I am here for a purpose whether I "feel" good about it or not and it is with this knowledge that I am able to handle being away from my "home." Someone reminded me this morning that homesickness is a picture of how Christians should feel even about living here on earth.  This is not our home because we are meant to live with our Father in Heaven.  We are separated from our family but have the hope of returning to His arms once and for all.  That comforts me more than anything.

Lonely are the nights and lonely are the days

Goodbye can only be said in such few different ways

Ripped from my heart and placed in Your hands

I find little peace to help understand

You know it too well, You've been there before

But please slow down, I cannot take anymore

"Better will come" I hear them reply

So with patience I weep, With patience I sigh