Let me be honest here...

I need to be honest. When it comes to being patient or taking the time to learn and grow, I think I just might be the absolute worst.  Now, I value learning and growing but the process hurts and I don't know about you but I really hate hurting.  Time and time again I am told that growing pains are good even though they can feel absolutely strange and uncomfortable. They stretch us and make us more flexible.  I think that is what I want to be, too... flexible.

I started doing hot yoga (I know, crazy right?) but it has been amazing.  My body has needed to be stretched in new ways and my breathing has needed to be steadied.  It forces me to slow down for an hour with a community of supportive people and accept where I am and what my body is doing.  I cannot do the crazy headstand pose like the pregnant lady in front of me does yet, but I will!  

Also, I am learning to accept myself as someone not harmful to others.  I have been hard on myself for what seems like forever because I hurt people.  I do not mean to, but I do and a lot of the times it is out of my own hurting that I do it. Out of my confusion comes frustration and when I do not understand myself I get frustrated that others do not either. How silly!! Understanding my own hurt has really opened my eyes to how sensitive we are to each other- how inevitable hurting is and how wretchedly harmful we can be to each other if we continue to act out of our own self-loathing.  

Basically, I want to encourage you to be patient with others and with yourself.  There is no formula or timeline and every path is different.  Do not hold onto the past but forgive each other.  I have been reading about forgiveness in the bible and the Lord literally says it sosososososo many times.  I know that I have the HARDEST time forgiving and forgetting, but then I think about the times I have asked for forgiveness and have needed it so badly that it reminds me just how important it really is.  Let go of things... things you are so scared of losing and let God have it.  Let go of what you know (or what you think you know) and trust that God will actually take care of you.  Take a leap if you feel He is nudging you and be humbled.  I can honestly say I have never regretted the things I have done out of pure vulnerability.  It is the things I did not do out of fear that frustrate me. (but they also taught me lessons) Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there by loving unconditionally is terrifying... but it's what we are supposed to be doing and it's what we would be doing had sin not blurred our vision.  What's holding you back? Fear is not an option.

Anyways, He is good and His plans are good... this is what I am needing to hear right now. 

Remember the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew? 

v.21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Words of advice: Cling to the truths that you know.  Embrace where you are.. where you are hurting.. where you have been and where you are going.  Look around at the good things: the friends you have supporting you, the exciting new opportunities, the smiles you receive from strangers.  All of these things are from the Lord because all of them are good.  Do NOT lose hope, but make sure you are hoping in the right things. 

So often I cling to the past because it is what I think I know; It is what justifies my future but that is also a lie.  I am not what I was and I am not what others think I am. We are constantly changing and being renewed daily.  I cannot even tell you just how much I have changed this summer!  Chapters are constantly being closed and new ones opened.  How boring a book is when we are stuck in such a long chapter... the story never progresses!  I think sometimes we cycle through things so that we can learn from them and not repeat the same mistakes... This does not mean we should avoid walking that trail all together, but that we can now walk it in a new and better way than the first time around since we learned how to jump we can avoid the puddle this time!

Joy comes in the morning and I have realized it also comes after the mourning [see what I did there? ;) ]