This morning my pastor mentioned the subject of being present. For me, this is a sensitive subject because I am constantly thinking about the future and wanting to create it for myself. I get so excited about the things to come that I lose what is happening right now. My present becomes consumed with the thoughts and planning of tomorrow. Why do I do this? Because ultimately, I control nothing- not even my own mind. Being present and putting one foot in front of the other is something I have to work on constantly. I have be intentional about it just like I have to be intentional about so many other things.
My pastor talked about this under the umbrella subject of marriage this morning. (Referencing 1 Corintians 7) Now, for myself and probably many others out there- I love the subject of marriage. I could talk about it, think about it and wonder about it all day and that is a main reason why I have such a hard time being present especially in relationships. Our marriages are supposed to be a direct reflection of the marriage between God and His church. We are His bridegroom for whom His love is unconditional. I used to accept such an analogy before but never really took it heart. I just could not grasp the idea of being married to God like I could be married to a husband. "Yes, I love Jesus and He loves me but He is not able to hold my hand or kiss me at the altar so it's not exactly like a marriage, right?" I realized that my thoughts about marriage were mainly consumed with the ideas that did not come from God, but rather the society in which I live and the traditions of marriage that humans have created. Rather than think of my marriage with Christ first and then think of a model of that for my marriage with a husband, I use the model of an "American" husband and wife as the basis for my marriage with Christ. I thought that because it was not necessarily tangible that it was not exactly real.
However, I know it's real. I know that I am already a married woman. I have a bridegroom who seeks my heart constantly and provides everything I could ever need. I run around looking for other things to satisfy me and in the end when I am used up and empty, I always end up running home to the only constant in my life, Christ. He protects me but does not imprison me. His love is not conditional but it is jealous for all of me.
I am a personable person and therefore enjoy human relationships. I am fascinated by the ability for two people to connect on deeper levels than just talking - this does not mean just romantic relationships but also friendships. Those times when you spend hours talking and yet it seems like minutes. My goodness, I never want those moments to end! Yet I limit my conversations with God. "I'll have a quiet time for half an hour this morning and that will be good." Why do I do this? It's because I am not present in the relationship and letting our conversations get deeper than just the surface. I am not all the way in it. Just as our relationships with each other will struggle if one person is not completely in it, so will our relationship with God be a struggle. It's time to surrender completely every part of me and be in this relationship. I have given too much of myself to other things I thought would fill me and they have ultimately left me more broken than before. I need God and He actually wants me! Not just half of me or the "spiritual" part of me... but ALL of me. I don't want to be spread out anymore. I want to be one with my husband and reap the benefits of a healthy marriage. I always give a little of myself to many different things and with that only a little of me experiences it. I cling to something or someone else because the thought of complete surrender terrifies me. Not having someone to distract me from my brokenness terrifies me. Loneliness terrifies me. These fears are the only things holding me back- ridiculous! God will hold our hands each step if we just free them for Him! If we stop thinking our insecurities are problems and start knowing that it is those weaknesses that give us the need for God most. If I am distracted by another relationship and looking for fulfillment only in other people, I don't think I need Him- that's where I am wrong. I want to be lonely and scared and uncomfortable because in those situations I am dependent upon nothing or no one but God. Yeah, it may suck initially but I don't want these things to depress me- these should bring me joy and hope! I should rejoice in such struggles because they remind me of my need for Him! and He CAN and WILL provide! I keep picturing the moment you leave everything behind and just "jump." Sometimes God is just waiting for that complete surrender, so He can finally take over. God deserves my all.
This is a daily struggle and will be for the rest of me life here on earth- devoting my whole self to Him, but I don't want to be halfway committed anymore. If I believe God is sovereign, then I should not worry.
My pastor talked about this under the umbrella subject of marriage this morning. (Referencing 1 Corintians 7) Now, for myself and probably many others out there- I love the subject of marriage. I could talk about it, think about it and wonder about it all day and that is a main reason why I have such a hard time being present especially in relationships. Our marriages are supposed to be a direct reflection of the marriage between God and His church. We are His bridegroom for whom His love is unconditional. I used to accept such an analogy before but never really took it heart. I just could not grasp the idea of being married to God like I could be married to a husband. "Yes, I love Jesus and He loves me but He is not able to hold my hand or kiss me at the altar so it's not exactly like a marriage, right?" I realized that my thoughts about marriage were mainly consumed with the ideas that did not come from God, but rather the society in which I live and the traditions of marriage that humans have created. Rather than think of my marriage with Christ first and then think of a model of that for my marriage with a husband, I use the model of an "American" husband and wife as the basis for my marriage with Christ. I thought that because it was not necessarily tangible that it was not exactly real.
However, I know it's real. I know that I am already a married woman. I have a bridegroom who seeks my heart constantly and provides everything I could ever need. I run around looking for other things to satisfy me and in the end when I am used up and empty, I always end up running home to the only constant in my life, Christ. He protects me but does not imprison me. His love is not conditional but it is jealous for all of me.
I am a personable person and therefore enjoy human relationships. I am fascinated by the ability for two people to connect on deeper levels than just talking - this does not mean just romantic relationships but also friendships. Those times when you spend hours talking and yet it seems like minutes. My goodness, I never want those moments to end! Yet I limit my conversations with God. "I'll have a quiet time for half an hour this morning and that will be good." Why do I do this? It's because I am not present in the relationship and letting our conversations get deeper than just the surface. I am not all the way in it. Just as our relationships with each other will struggle if one person is not completely in it, so will our relationship with God be a struggle. It's time to surrender completely every part of me and be in this relationship. I have given too much of myself to other things I thought would fill me and they have ultimately left me more broken than before. I need God and He actually wants me! Not just half of me or the "spiritual" part of me... but ALL of me. I don't want to be spread out anymore. I want to be one with my husband and reap the benefits of a healthy marriage. I always give a little of myself to many different things and with that only a little of me experiences it. I cling to something or someone else because the thought of complete surrender terrifies me. Not having someone to distract me from my brokenness terrifies me. Loneliness terrifies me. These fears are the only things holding me back- ridiculous! God will hold our hands each step if we just free them for Him! If we stop thinking our insecurities are problems and start knowing that it is those weaknesses that give us the need for God most. If I am distracted by another relationship and looking for fulfillment only in other people, I don't think I need Him- that's where I am wrong. I want to be lonely and scared and uncomfortable because in those situations I am dependent upon nothing or no one but God. Yeah, it may suck initially but I don't want these things to depress me- these should bring me joy and hope! I should rejoice in such struggles because they remind me of my need for Him! and He CAN and WILL provide! I keep picturing the moment you leave everything behind and just "jump." Sometimes God is just waiting for that complete surrender, so He can finally take over. God deserves my all.
This is a daily struggle and will be for the rest of me life here on earth- devoting my whole self to Him, but I don't want to be halfway committed anymore. If I believe God is sovereign, then I should not worry.
Paul's words in 2 Corinthians about the thorn in his flesh spoke truth to me -
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, and insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 12: 8-10
