Matt & Ben

Remember how I was talking about not being able to be present or see the big picture right now? Well, yesterday was one of those days where I intentionally tried to kick those things in the face and live.

So you know what I did? I woke up and spent my morning doing some of the things that I love most: meditating with the Lord on my porch with my favorite iced coffee and watching the rest of the city wake up.  Ever since I was little I have loved the mornings... don't get me wrong, I love sleeping in but there is something about waking up early and having a special moment greeting the sun as it rises... no one "needing" you yet and no demands... just sitting and collecting your self in the innocent quietness.  It really is one of the few times where I truly value being alone.

After that, I went to another one of my favorite places, my job.  I work at an art gallery downtown and I can honestly say that that place, especially the people who work there, have been huge for me the past 8 months.  I began as an intern there last spring and then for some reason they decided to hire me and keep me around. I have learned not only so much about myself, but also so much about what it means to do what you love and love what you do.  It has helped me calm down and settled a few questions in regards to "What in the world am I good at enough to do as a job?" haha  Needless to say, the Lord heard my cry for direction and led me to a pretty great place.

One of the things I really love about working downtown is the huge diversity of people I get to meet.  From art gurus to tourists from all over the world to little old men who work in the office down the block, I get to have some of the neatest conversations.  Yesterday, I met two Australian guys who ended up teaching me a whole lot without even realizing it.

Matt and Ben (I instantly connected it with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck but they were not amused) had met each other at a hostel in New Orleans.  Then, they parted ways and ended up crossing paths again in Nashville... kind of crazy awesome, right?  Both of them have been traveling for quite sometime and I could not help but want to pick their brain about it all in hopes of one day getting to have a similar adventure.  Matt is nearing the end of a 15 month bike trip across north and central america while Ben is finishing up his tour of the U.S. and headed to Colombia pretty soon.  As they were telling me this all I could think about was how lonely they must be. I mean, they are doing all of this traveling by themselves basically, so why aren't they terribly depressed?  Ben even has a girlfriend back home... doesn't he miss her too much to be gone this long?  These are some of the girly questions popping in my mind.  When I asked Matt how he managed to do it for so long he looked around the table and said, "I'm not alone, I've got you guys!"  I kind of rolled my eyes and laughed but then I realized it... he's not lying?  How can he be so happy being with strangers?  I envied Matt's ability to be present, with his snarky sense of humor and infectious laugh, I found myself not wanting dinner to end because he reminded me of how I used to once view life.  When I asked him what was one of the most important things he has learned throughout his travels so far he said, "I have learned that I can really do whatever I want. If I really, truly set my mind on something... I can really do it."  He didn't mean it in a selfish way, but in that he did not have to listen to "misinformed" people (as he put it) to make decisions.  People thought he was nuts for wanting to do a bike trip but look at him now! That was some good encouragement for me. There are always going to be people who think they know exactly what you should do and I do believe in following wise council... but where would we be had some very key people not taken a leap of faith and gone against the norm?

Somehow I had veered away from being like Matt and Ben... able to sit and enjoy a strangers company where ever I may be.  I had forgotten how good it feels to hear about people from far away places and realize we are all still human.  I had forgotten how much I can learn from people like Matt and Ben if I only just let down my "comfort fortress" for a second and listen.

God is talking to us and showing us things all the time. Whether it be through a conversation, a beautiful flower or a book, He wants to communicate with us... we just have to unlock the door and let Him in.  

Let me be honest here...

I need to be honest. When it comes to being patient or taking the time to learn and grow, I think I just might be the absolute worst.  Now, I value learning and growing but the process hurts and I don't know about you but I really hate hurting.  Time and time again I am told that growing pains are good even though they can feel absolutely strange and uncomfortable. They stretch us and make us more flexible.  I think that is what I want to be, too... flexible.

I started doing hot yoga (I know, crazy right?) but it has been amazing.  My body has needed to be stretched in new ways and my breathing has needed to be steadied.  It forces me to slow down for an hour with a community of supportive people and accept where I am and what my body is doing.  I cannot do the crazy headstand pose like the pregnant lady in front of me does yet, but I will!  

Also, I am learning to accept myself as someone not harmful to others.  I have been hard on myself for what seems like forever because I hurt people.  I do not mean to, but I do and a lot of the times it is out of my own hurting that I do it. Out of my confusion comes frustration and when I do not understand myself I get frustrated that others do not either. How silly!! Understanding my own hurt has really opened my eyes to how sensitive we are to each other- how inevitable hurting is and how wretchedly harmful we can be to each other if we continue to act out of our own self-loathing.  

Basically, I want to encourage you to be patient with others and with yourself.  There is no formula or timeline and every path is different.  Do not hold onto the past but forgive each other.  I have been reading about forgiveness in the bible and the Lord literally says it sosososososo many times.  I know that I have the HARDEST time forgiving and forgetting, but then I think about the times I have asked for forgiveness and have needed it so badly that it reminds me just how important it really is.  Let go of things... things you are so scared of losing and let God have it.  Let go of what you know (or what you think you know) and trust that God will actually take care of you.  Take a leap if you feel He is nudging you and be humbled.  I can honestly say I have never regretted the things I have done out of pure vulnerability.  It is the things I did not do out of fear that frustrate me. (but they also taught me lessons) Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there by loving unconditionally is terrifying... but it's what we are supposed to be doing and it's what we would be doing had sin not blurred our vision.  What's holding you back? Fear is not an option.

Anyways, He is good and His plans are good... this is what I am needing to hear right now. 

Remember the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew? 

v.21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Words of advice: Cling to the truths that you know.  Embrace where you are.. where you are hurting.. where you have been and where you are going.  Look around at the good things: the friends you have supporting you, the exciting new opportunities, the smiles you receive from strangers.  All of these things are from the Lord because all of them are good.  Do NOT lose hope, but make sure you are hoping in the right things. 

So often I cling to the past because it is what I think I know; It is what justifies my future but that is also a lie.  I am not what I was and I am not what others think I am. We are constantly changing and being renewed daily.  I cannot even tell you just how much I have changed this summer!  Chapters are constantly being closed and new ones opened.  How boring a book is when we are stuck in such a long chapter... the story never progresses!  I think sometimes we cycle through things so that we can learn from them and not repeat the same mistakes... This does not mean we should avoid walking that trail all together, but that we can now walk it in a new and better way than the first time around since we learned how to jump we can avoid the puddle this time!

Joy comes in the morning and I have realized it also comes after the mourning [see what I did there? ;) ]

At a loss for words

Over the past few weeks I have had so many ideas, questions, comments and stories fill my mind but no time to actually sit down and pour them out!  However, tonight is the night.  Tonight I put off my homework for just a little bit longer and leave my phone in the other room so that I can rummage through some of this chaos bouncing around in my brain dying to stick to something a little more concrete. 

I find that my thoughts look a lot clearer outside of my brain and on paper (or computer screen) because I am able to step back and actually read them from a more objective perspective.  I am able to think, “Wow, that sounds stupid..” or “Okay, Cassidy, you might be over reacting…”  When something traumatic happens, I find that the best thing to do is to let your thoughts escape your brain so that they no longer torment you; they no longer run the show and you are able to dance freely in open space again. 

Recently, my thoughts have been my own worst enemy.  I have woken up hours before I should have and just laid in my bed letting my mind run away from me.  Sometimes, I do believe this is healthy and that our minds deserve a little break but too often do I get trapped in a web of false beliefs and made up realities.  I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to just live in my mind and be able to make up the world around me as I went, but that was a long time ago before I knew just how cruel the mind can be.  If I ate poison, I would get sick and eventually die.  This is how I see the mind- once we fill it with a little poison, it can spread and eventually take over your entire being.  I am realizing the importance of “taking thoughts captive” now, and just how hard it is to train the mind against what it has always been able to do. 

Thank God for answering when we cry out to Him, though!  I asked Him to help me not let my mind run away and to purify my thoughts and let me tell you… when the Lord provides, He provides and then some.  I still wake up super early, but instead of laying there I make myself some breakfast and sit in my “productive” chair and talk to Him.  I used to make this a priority  all the time but as do most things when one gets busy, it got pushed aside.  Anyways, I sit in my chair and I “have coffee with God.”  I cannot tell you how many “coffee dates” I have been on since moving to Nashville.  My goodness we are the red-light district for coffee! So often do I sit for 30 min to an hour with a friend and catch up.  Coffee dates are fun because there is not expectation to have a whole night planned or spending alot of money or even wondering if it is a “real date.”  It’s comfortable.  I realized that I have had coffee with just about everyone but the One person with whom I feel the most comfortable and who needs to be caught up on a lot, God. 

So, every morning God and I have a coffee date and when my mind trails off I try to bring it back by doing what Nouwen suggests in Life of the Beloved, repeating St. Francis’s prayer or a Psalm or even the Lord’s supper. 

This post has gone so far from what I was expecting but that is the beauty of letting your thoughts escape because only when I free them do I understand what they actually wanted to say.  

Calm & Collected

This summer has been far different from what I am used to.  Typically, I run around non-stop, hopping from country to country or trip to trip with just a few moments to spare before starting school.  However, this summer, although I was able to travel some, has been calm, consistent and sweet.  I moved to a new home where my parents and I have been working to renovate it into the most wonderful little cottage; I have been working extremely hard at a job I absolutely love; I have been taking an online Biology course that has kicked my butt; and I have ventured out to just about every happy hour you can think of in the Nashville area.  Although the last one seems silly, it has actually helped me a lot because I have ventured to these happy hours with new and old friends who have kept me from sinking.  They have lifted me to a steady place and taught me the beauty of consistency.  I have a hard time doing the same things over and over again, but oddly enough this whole summer has consisted of things forcing me to do just that.



So, although I cannot tell you about the beautiful European cities I saw or the exotic people I encountered in a village, I can say that I have traveled to new places this summer, places that only growing up can take you.  (and having a 21 year old I.D.) ;)

I have been bed ridden the past few days due to the extraction of my wisdom teeth. In other words, I have had my computer in my lap for the past few days catching up on everything I've wanted to waste time on but have not had the chance for a while.  One of those things was blogging.  I keep wanting to start a fresh blog... from scratch... because I know this one has so much baggage. I find myself wanting to cut off from who wrote the previous ones not because I am embarrassed, but because I am different.  However, then I realize that the way I am right now is due to the fact that I was that way then.  Cassidy is still Cassidy... just with a few more experiences under her belt.  So, I guess I will stick with my baggage and continue on this journey... you know... the one less traveled by? I hear it makes all the difference.  

Hello, again

To say that it has been a while would be an understatement.  It has been over a year since I have written a blog and my goodness it feels good to type on a blank page again.  For quite some time I felt like I did not have anything of value to say, that anything I would write would be superfluous or forced; which is perhaps exactly what it would have been.  The past year has been one of the craziest rides yet.  If you had asked me a year ago what I would be doing today I would have never guessed that I would be working the job of my dreams, living in the most wonderful little house (with my cat!) and currently recovering from wisdom teeth surgery.  No, none of those things would have crossed my mind; however, I think that is the greatest thing about them.  I can remember being so angry at the beginning of last year because it seemed everything was falling apart and I had no idea what I wanted to do, needed to do, or had the ability to do.  I just knew that I was stuck and something needed to happen. Well, friends, after many months of floating, God finally slapped me awake.  I finally realized that I was not going to go anywhere just sitting and sulking; if I wanted to move, then I needed to pick up my feet! Doors may swing open, but without us walking through them we will never know what is on the other side! You see what I mean here?  I am learning that life is about walking... about keeping your eyes open and paying attention.  It is not about knowing everything or doing everything, it's about being present and making something out of what you have been given.


Alright, I am still getting my blogging legs back, so this may just be a bunch of random jumble but hey... it feels great to be back :)