Matt & Ben

Remember how I was talking about not being able to be present or see the big picture right now? Well, yesterday was one of those days where I intentionally tried to kick those things in the face and live.

So you know what I did? I woke up and spent my morning doing some of the things that I love most: meditating with the Lord on my porch with my favorite iced coffee and watching the rest of the city wake up.  Ever since I was little I have loved the mornings... don't get me wrong, I love sleeping in but there is something about waking up early and having a special moment greeting the sun as it rises... no one "needing" you yet and no demands... just sitting and collecting your self in the innocent quietness.  It really is one of the few times where I truly value being alone.

After that, I went to another one of my favorite places, my job.  I work at an art gallery downtown and I can honestly say that that place, especially the people who work there, have been huge for me the past 8 months.  I began as an intern there last spring and then for some reason they decided to hire me and keep me around. I have learned not only so much about myself, but also so much about what it means to do what you love and love what you do.  It has helped me calm down and settled a few questions in regards to "What in the world am I good at enough to do as a job?" haha  Needless to say, the Lord heard my cry for direction and led me to a pretty great place.

One of the things I really love about working downtown is the huge diversity of people I get to meet.  From art gurus to tourists from all over the world to little old men who work in the office down the block, I get to have some of the neatest conversations.  Yesterday, I met two Australian guys who ended up teaching me a whole lot without even realizing it.

Matt and Ben (I instantly connected it with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck but they were not amused) had met each other at a hostel in New Orleans.  Then, they parted ways and ended up crossing paths again in Nashville... kind of crazy awesome, right?  Both of them have been traveling for quite sometime and I could not help but want to pick their brain about it all in hopes of one day getting to have a similar adventure.  Matt is nearing the end of a 15 month bike trip across north and central america while Ben is finishing up his tour of the U.S. and headed to Colombia pretty soon.  As they were telling me this all I could think about was how lonely they must be. I mean, they are doing all of this traveling by themselves basically, so why aren't they terribly depressed?  Ben even has a girlfriend back home... doesn't he miss her too much to be gone this long?  These are some of the girly questions popping in my mind.  When I asked Matt how he managed to do it for so long he looked around the table and said, "I'm not alone, I've got you guys!"  I kind of rolled my eyes and laughed but then I realized it... he's not lying?  How can he be so happy being with strangers?  I envied Matt's ability to be present, with his snarky sense of humor and infectious laugh, I found myself not wanting dinner to end because he reminded me of how I used to once view life.  When I asked him what was one of the most important things he has learned throughout his travels so far he said, "I have learned that I can really do whatever I want. If I really, truly set my mind on something... I can really do it."  He didn't mean it in a selfish way, but in that he did not have to listen to "misinformed" people (as he put it) to make decisions.  People thought he was nuts for wanting to do a bike trip but look at him now! That was some good encouragement for me. There are always going to be people who think they know exactly what you should do and I do believe in following wise council... but where would we be had some very key people not taken a leap of faith and gone against the norm?

Somehow I had veered away from being like Matt and Ben... able to sit and enjoy a strangers company where ever I may be.  I had forgotten how good it feels to hear about people from far away places and realize we are all still human.  I had forgotten how much I can learn from people like Matt and Ben if I only just let down my "comfort fortress" for a second and listen.

God is talking to us and showing us things all the time. Whether it be through a conversation, a beautiful flower or a book, He wants to communicate with us... we just have to unlock the door and let Him in.  

Let me be honest here...

I need to be honest. When it comes to being patient or taking the time to learn and grow, I think I just might be the absolute worst.  Now, I value learning and growing but the process hurts and I don't know about you but I really hate hurting.  Time and time again I am told that growing pains are good even though they can feel absolutely strange and uncomfortable. They stretch us and make us more flexible.  I think that is what I want to be, too... flexible.

I started doing hot yoga (I know, crazy right?) but it has been amazing.  My body has needed to be stretched in new ways and my breathing has needed to be steadied.  It forces me to slow down for an hour with a community of supportive people and accept where I am and what my body is doing.  I cannot do the crazy headstand pose like the pregnant lady in front of me does yet, but I will!  

Also, I am learning to accept myself as someone not harmful to others.  I have been hard on myself for what seems like forever because I hurt people.  I do not mean to, but I do and a lot of the times it is out of my own hurting that I do it. Out of my confusion comes frustration and when I do not understand myself I get frustrated that others do not either. How silly!! Understanding my own hurt has really opened my eyes to how sensitive we are to each other- how inevitable hurting is and how wretchedly harmful we can be to each other if we continue to act out of our own self-loathing.  

Basically, I want to encourage you to be patient with others and with yourself.  There is no formula or timeline and every path is different.  Do not hold onto the past but forgive each other.  I have been reading about forgiveness in the bible and the Lord literally says it sosososososo many times.  I know that I have the HARDEST time forgiving and forgetting, but then I think about the times I have asked for forgiveness and have needed it so badly that it reminds me just how important it really is.  Let go of things... things you are so scared of losing and let God have it.  Let go of what you know (or what you think you know) and trust that God will actually take care of you.  Take a leap if you feel He is nudging you and be humbled.  I can honestly say I have never regretted the things I have done out of pure vulnerability.  It is the things I did not do out of fear that frustrate me. (but they also taught me lessons) Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there by loving unconditionally is terrifying... but it's what we are supposed to be doing and it's what we would be doing had sin not blurred our vision.  What's holding you back? Fear is not an option.

Anyways, He is good and His plans are good... this is what I am needing to hear right now. 

Remember the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew? 

v.21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Words of advice: Cling to the truths that you know.  Embrace where you are.. where you are hurting.. where you have been and where you are going.  Look around at the good things: the friends you have supporting you, the exciting new opportunities, the smiles you receive from strangers.  All of these things are from the Lord because all of them are good.  Do NOT lose hope, but make sure you are hoping in the right things. 

So often I cling to the past because it is what I think I know; It is what justifies my future but that is also a lie.  I am not what I was and I am not what others think I am. We are constantly changing and being renewed daily.  I cannot even tell you just how much I have changed this summer!  Chapters are constantly being closed and new ones opened.  How boring a book is when we are stuck in such a long chapter... the story never progresses!  I think sometimes we cycle through things so that we can learn from them and not repeat the same mistakes... This does not mean we should avoid walking that trail all together, but that we can now walk it in a new and better way than the first time around since we learned how to jump we can avoid the puddle this time!

Joy comes in the morning and I have realized it also comes after the mourning [see what I did there? ;) ]