Emotional Vomit

There have been so many times recently that I have thought, "Wow, I wish I could write this experience down right now and just process it on paper." But sadly, there is no computer/paper to be found and I have to pass the moment using some different kind of outlet.  Lately, I have been having the most incredible conversations with people around me.  I have experienced such raw moments of humanity that I can't help but be brought to my knees each time to thank God for them.  No matter how calloused someone might seem, they are that way for a reason.  Listening to other peoples stories and learning what makes them tick or what helped shape who they are today really makes me giddy.  Why? Because we are all so different.  No one and I repeat, NO ONE has had a perfect life, therefore everyone has a story.  Sometimes all they need is someone to listen.  I can get so caught up in what is going on in my life or trying to figure out things I need to do that I talk, talk, talk... Yes, it is important to communicate whats going on in order to just stay SANE for that matter but there also needs to be listening involved. 

In my Voice and Diction class we are going over sonnets that each of us chose to perform in front of the class.  We are having intense workshops right now so its a very seclusive space with just about half the class and our professor.  He works on each person for about 20 minutes so it's undivided attention and quite uncomfortable at first.  I went first and got up there thinking that my Shakespearean sonnet was just supposed to be spoken a bit flirty and to someone I loved.  My first performance was anything but spectacular.... It was empty, and unsupported.  I have always had a hard time connecting emotionally with pieces and I understand now that I just simply did not ask the questions or let myself get to the vulnerable state you must be in to really connect.  My professor asked me very specific questions like who I was speaking to, why and what I was trying to say and by the end of it I was bawling uncontrollably.  It was not a miserable or sad because I was getting in trouble kind of crying, but rather a free and emotional state that I can only reach when forced to go there.  After getting to that place and reciting my sonnet through it I opened my eyes to see the rest of the class completely connected and in the moment with me.  I wasn't embarrassed at all, but rather felt peaceful and free and just better in general because the feelings I had for that person were able to completely come out of me like a river that had been stopped up for far too long.  I didn't even realize I had pushed things down until they were forced to come out.  (It was like going to therapy, I swear haha)

My Acting class and Voice and Diction have both been teaching me to free my emotions and just let my self act off natural behavior.  It's hard throwing everything I've ever heard out the window like "It's not polite to say what you really feel" or "Do not hate" or any other kind of constraining rules.  One of my teachers explained how babies do not hold back any emotion- when they are angry they yell, when they are hungry you know it.  

Acting is about bringing the audience back to the realization of humanity.  We want to watch the emotionally connected actors and feel their pain, happiness, sorrow or love.  We want to be in that moment because we feel all those emotions in real life but try to contain them in little boxes.  I don't think it will ever be socially accepted to just do or say whatever you want whenever because feelings are far too sensitive and people are far too scared, but I do think that we need to let ourselves feel more often.  Let the emotions flow and work through them rather than hold them back and be polite.  Whoever said there is such thing as being "too happy" or "too sad" or "love too much?"  There's no standard. 

Who cares, act the way you feel - let it out.