What makes you tick?

Passion: An intense desire or enthusiasm for something. It's amazing what passion does to people.  In the beginning of my life here in Nashville I felt a sense of "off-ness" and I could not put my finger on it.  I was majoring in what I thought I wanted to major in and going throughout the daily tasks of getting acquainted with my new surroundings.  I could not understand why I did not completely feel at home yet and tried different things to see if they fit, even convince my self that my best friend was the missing link and if she went here, then I would be happy.  Crazy thoughts people, craziness! I remember times where I laid in my bed, tears rolling down my face and crying out to God for immediate response.  It was in these times that I was my weakest and although I did not "enjoy" them, I treasured them because God was my strength.  Cliché but really I had never felt more dependent on Him than in those lonely moments of despair.  I had never called out and wanted such salvation from everything than in those times and looking back, I grew quite a lot. He instilled a sense of security in me that came with the hardships.  It's like I began to expect them and knew my only comfort was God so I was open to the loneliness. I began to get comfortable with the uncomfortable and God simply carried me and is still carrying me through life.  The only picture I can see in my mind that resembles what I am trying to say is a strong prince charming carrying his weak and battered princess through the thorns.  There is a NeedtoBreathe song that played in my head every time I felt weak and the lyrics brought me to tears because I could just hear the "cry of my lover" calling to me and pictured God's huge strong arms wrapping around me and holding me tighter than any human grasp could do.  I picture myself bawling and running as fast as I can to the open embrace of my Father and having no insecurities but saying to the world, "take your shot... I won't turn back."  If you close your eyes you can just imagine the romantic love He shares for us and before I never thought of God romantically, but nothing sends more chills down my spine than knowing that He is the bridegroom and loves me as His bride.  As a girl I can easily understand the excitement of a wedding. The whole idea of a husband and having someone love me for the rest of my life just excites every fiber of my being! And the thought of a man taking care of me and wanting to live with ME and put up with ME for the rest of HIS life is just baffling! -so to think of God as my husband and being the creator of the universe's bride is nothing short of amazing. How do men perceive it? I'd like to know and am sure it's just as wonderful to think about.

Anyways, to go with my first sentence in this post... God has revealed a passion inside of me that has changed everything around me.  Its like I had to go through all these things to find what my heart really desired and what I was really meant to do.  I had to dig through my heart and become so vulnerable at times to weed out the false desires and the things I "thought" were the missing puzzle pieces.  As my heart was emptying, a light bulb turned on.  God brought me down to the "heart" of the matter and basically said, "Look kid, here's what you're good at and you love it... so go make your daddy proud and don't let anyone stop you."  I have never been more determined about succeeding in anything and ever since this realization, the world around me "was beautiful once again."  Not that it was ever not beautiful, but I was able to enjoy it again and feel a sense of pride.  I smelt the roses once more and have fallen all the more in love with where I am.  This may not make any sense to you, but I think that if you haven't already... you should find what it is you are passionate about.   It is when we are passionate that things make sense and life means something more.  It is when we are passionate that anything seems possible.  It is with passion that Christ died on that cross.  What is life without passion? A waste!  Whether it be for something or someone, I urge you to be passionate.

"Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead." -Joss Whedon

Hopeless Romantic

I have come to the conclusion that I am a hopeless romantic.  This being said, I must protect myself.  I see the love stories on movies and like almost every other girl out there, I want it.  I want that Romeo and Juliet, passionate and dramatic yet impossible to live without kind of love.  Does that even exist?  I could have sworn I tasted it, but a good friend pointed out to me the other day that some kinds of love are dangerous and despite my wishful thinking... the love in the movies isn't real.  There's a difference between lustful love and lasting love.   We think true love and misery go together but really it's immature to be in a relationship that sucks so much out of you.  I have witnessed this happen, too.  They were so engrossed with one another that existence became dependent upon each other's words... but what happens when there is nothing to say?  I never believed in the phrase, "Sometimes love isn't enough" because I thought "If I really love someone, anything else would be worth working through because love is worth any hardship... right?"  I think people say that love isn't enough because they weren't really loving.  Love isn't a feeling... but rather a commitment and an oath to seek/be the best for that other person.  Love does not have conditions nor cease to exist because love perseveres.  It SUCKS hearing those three little words from other humans and I simply hate saying it sometimes because I know we can never live up to what they truly mean as long as we are sinful.  As much as someone will tell me they love me I cannot bring myself to believe them unless their actions prove so because so many times I have heard it and said it too that I know how easily the phrase can be thrown around.  Fairy tale love is what can ruin great relationships.  It is misleading and shallow because it does not believe in hardship.  Fairy tale love only see's happily ever after and freaks out when theres a rock in the middle of the road.  It doesn't understand trouble but rather avoids it at all cost.  I've held on to a fairy tale before so hard that I swore it would prevail and by doing this I jeopardized other real relationships around me because I ignored troubles there too.  But without this first encounter of love where would we get our fairy tale stories?  It's these experiences that give song writers songs and movies their script.  Its this love without closure that tears many of us apart and brings us back together a better person in the end.  What would we do if Romeo and Juliet actually ended up together? Sometimes we have to endure it and then let go of previous seasons to embrace the lessons learned in order to appreciate the next things happening, right?  Feelings come and go, but it is the commitment part of love that people forget to hold on to.  I believe love to be something we were all given to enjoy and love to be something worth fighting for.  It breaks my heart to see people settle for anything less than that heart throbbing knee shaking love because it exists... because oh boy does it exist.  However, the ability to decipher between poisonous tortured love and real "I want to be a better person because of you" love is something we've got to try and obtain.  Love gives you the confidence to do anything... it evokes more emotion than anything else from you and drives you absolutely mad.  However, it does not make you hate yourself but rather makes you want to be a better person.  Why am I so obsessed with love? I think because my Father is the very definition of love.  He is the perfect example and it is through Him that we are able to achieve the most satisfying love of all.  AAHH I love it =)

my buddies Mumford and Sons put it nicely...

Love that will not betray you, 

dismay or enslave you,

It will set you free

Be more like the man 

you were made to be.

"Baraka"

I had to go see this film called Baraka tonight for one of my classes and honestly, did not what to expect.  It was described to me as a film without any words but simple scenes and images strewn together to reveal "senses of urban chaos and environmental destruction."  Let me tell you... it was wonderful.  It showed images of a peaceful landscape with clouds swiftly passing through over a time and then would flash to a village with people painted up about to do a dance.  It also would flash to an assembly line with baby chicks moving through a conveyor belt and then show humans running through the subway lines.  These two scenes seemed to be almost parallel to me in that we fall into some what of an "assembly" line whether we realize it or not.  Every day, at least in an urban city, people move from point a to point b and taxis never stop transporting.  This film backs up the phrase "the city never sleeps" and shows just how much of a mass people are really in.  It showed a cross walk in a crowded city and every time the light turned red hundreds of people crossed only to leave the same amount behind waiting for the next opportunity to walk.   The city is an interesting place and just how many people travel amongst it every day? This film brought such different feelings from me in every scene.  The ones including chaos brought stress, poverty- saddness and anger because I could not do anything right that second, and the tranquil images brought a calmness.  It was crazy how just watching the ocean waves crash onto the shore soothed me and then when it showed the train station buzzing with people I almost got over worked with stress thinking of all those people rushing to their destinations.  We are so fast paced and yet I think everyone feels at ease at the sound of nature soothing us, so why are we constantly trying to cover it up?  In every instance it seemed that each culture had its own way of reaching out to the supernatural world.  Whether it was muslims praying, tribes dancing, or something else it revealed the desire within us all to know that something greater exists.  It fascinates me to know how many different religions and beliefs exist in the world and that everyone has eternity set in their hearts.  This film says so much without saying anything at all and took me on a roller coaster if anything, by showing such drastic scenes of peace and chaos- basically I highly recommend it ...