Remember how I was so busy and stressed these past few weeks? Well, part of me thinks the Lord placed Thanksgiving at this point in the semester for the very reason to slow us crazy people down! Haha But of course, Thanksgiving is about much more than making sure college kids eat and sleep decently. This break was wonderful. I went home and got to spend time with my entire family which is not too often now that my sister is in law school and my brother a crazy junior in high school. I got to sleep more than I think I have ever been able to sleep and ate to my hearts content. How spoiled can I get? I laid in my bed last night and even though it is pretty cold in my little townhouse I wrapped my feet around a heating pad, pulled up the covers around me and thought, "Holy crap, I am spoiled." I know it sounds even annoying hearing those words but really... I was hit head on with the fact that my goodness I am spoiled and bratty and ungrateful more times than I am thankful. Just when I thought I had a handle on being thankful for what the Lord has provided for me, I find more and more things that I take for granted and forget to thank Him for! Like my sweatshirts and the oatmeal sitting in my pantry. It's even these little things I have never had to really go without that I forget to thank Him for because honestly, I don't understand what it means to not have them in the first place. That's how the majority of my school lives, too and the majority of the people who I have been surrounded with my entire life. Usually, we take mission trips to make us thankful for a clean house and a bed to sleep in but what I understand now is that the people we go to on mission trips don't want our pity or for us to realize how blessed WE are after seeing what we have and they don't, but rather to wake us up and learn from those who are thankful for what little they do have because more times than not they have more joy than us already. Goodness, I hate being unthankful or being called out for not being grateful. It is not that I am not grateful for everything I have, but rather I honestly didn't realize that there would be a time where I would not be provided in such a way. I am so accustomed to having certain things taken care of that when my parents get on to me for being ungrateful, I am reminded that every single thing is a gift, even when it is provided consistently my whole life. It hurts my parents when I do not thank them for something they have sacrificed or worked hard to give me, and I wonder if it hurts God as well when we do not thank Him for his sacrifice. If we as humans really want recognition or gratitude for our gifts to others, does God as well? I know He does not need it, but does He want it? I am being bombarded with devotions about being thankful... who is that for- God or us? Maybe it's the act of being thankful that is ultimately for our understanding of what an incredible gift Jesus was for a people who did not deserve it. Maybe being thankful is not for the giver, but rather for the receiver to understand how valuable the gift really is. Hm...
Taking the path less traveled by...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
| | | 2 Any thoughts? Comment!
When I say that this semester has been the busiest, craziest, most challenging one yet... I mean it. Honestly, I cannot explain every situation because each day brings something new, but I can tell you that God has shown me incredible things.
For the past few months I have been struggling with what to major in because quite frankly I wish I could do everything. It has gone from Studio Art to Social Entrepreneurship to Theatre with an Art History minor and now it's Art History with a Theatre minor and I am about to be a second semester sophomore. I know.. make up your mind right!? Well, what I finally realized was that I had placed way too much pressure on myself with choosing a major because I subconsciously felt my major defined my future. Craziness!
I am passionate about acting, however, I cannot learn enough about art history and want to put into my brain as much information as possible. Does that mean I do not love acting? No. I had to search deep for the root of why it was so hard for me to switch my major and when it came down to it, I feared not being a real "actress" because my major was not Theatre. I know.. "oMg liKe So MaNy AcTorS dIdn'T MajOR In tHeAtRe," even that wonderful bit of information didn't ease my mind as I pondered my decision.
Once realizing that hidden and almost embarrassing fear, I also realized that I had let choosing my major define me. I was scared of being Cassidy, the "theatre major," or Cassidy, the "art history major," when in actuality, those things are a simply part of who Cassidy actually is, not the entirety. I am Cassidy who also acts or Cassidy who loves studying art history... Is this making sense? My definition of myself was being found in things I do or have done rather than who I actually am. I perceived other's opinions and what I looked like on paper as more important than who I actually am. We will always want to have more on our resume, but what does that do for us when we are sitting at home enjoying the company of family or friends? Probably prohibits such activity to even happen because our minds are too focused on shoving as much experience under our belts as possible. I have found that here is a huge difference between being passionately driven about something and ridiculously obsessed with becoming successful. Instead of jumping out in faith and following where I felt God was pulling my hand at the time, I panicked because it would mean I would lose the sense of control I had over what I thought defined me.
Now, ever since the 4th grade when I first read Robert Frost's, The Road Not Taken, God has reminded me of our relationship with a path. The path leads to Heaven with Him forever. The path is not leading me to Jesus, but rather Jesus holding my hand and leading me to eternity with God. (Hence the title of this blog) The way He is helping me process this semester is the COOLEST thing!
When I think about our relationship, I picture Jesus holding my hand as we walk down a narrow path. The path is cold at times and I draw closer, and sometimes it feels like we have reached Heaven already so I pull away thinking I can go one my own, but no matter what He never lets go. Sometimes I drag behind, sometimes I try and run too fast. Sometimes I get so mad and want to be at the end already because I know He knows the shortcut so why not just take it!? And other times I get so tired I just want to lay down, so He carries me. It gets dark and I think I am no longer with Him, but the morning brings the sun and I look over to see His face beaming at me like always. Then there are the sweetest times when Him and I are simply walking, talking and enjoying each other completely.
As we go along, Jesus will sometimes pick something up and give it to me for a bit of the journey! It ranges from another person to talk to or a fun job or just something that He know's I can learn from. I can get so distracted and caught up with these things though and I forget all about Him. I try and take my hand out of His grasp and place it in the palms of these other people or things, but eventually the grips always slip. They run into the woods, go too fast and leave me behind or even try and stop me from keeping on my path. When they leave me in the dust, I fall down and am unsure of which way they went or which way Jesus went and eventually feel so lost that it scares me. But Jesus never leaves me. I may be a crumpled mess on the floor and have ripped my hand away from Him so many times that He should have just kept going, but He doesn't. He knows that without Him I will never be able to make it on my own, so He picks me up and grabs my hand again to show me the way.
Walking this path with Him is hard at times because as much as I try and see ahead, I am never exactly sure of which direction to go. I may see a few steps in front of me, but that's it. I HAVE to rely completely on His hand guiding me. It's getting a little easier though, because I trust Him. I have been walking with Him for a few years now and He hasn't led be astray once. It's interesting, too, because I now recognize that the things jumping out of the woods to walk with us will surely leave at any moment, so my hesitation to rip my hand from Jesus's grip increases and my desire to replace His grasp with somethings else's decreases. I know His grasp and when I am lost... they aren't the ones coming back for me, He is.
This path doesn't lead me to the epic "one" (a husband) or to a major or the ultimate reason for my existence. This path is the existence. This path is me walking with Jesus as He leads me to eternity. This path is us walking more and more into Glory. Glorifying God with each new step and if I keep on this path and keep focusing on Jesus's hand leading me, these irrational fears and worldly desires will come along for the journey but never replace it nor reach the finish line with us.
At the end of the path, it's just Jesus finally opening the gate to our final destination, Heaven with our Father.
For the past few months I have been struggling with what to major in because quite frankly I wish I could do everything. It has gone from Studio Art to Social Entrepreneurship to Theatre with an Art History minor and now it's Art History with a Theatre minor and I am about to be a second semester sophomore. I know.. make up your mind right!? Well, what I finally realized was that I had placed way too much pressure on myself with choosing a major because I subconsciously felt my major defined my future. Craziness!
I am passionate about acting, however, I cannot learn enough about art history and want to put into my brain as much information as possible. Does that mean I do not love acting? No. I had to search deep for the root of why it was so hard for me to switch my major and when it came down to it, I feared not being a real "actress" because my major was not Theatre. I know.. "oMg liKe So MaNy AcTorS dIdn'T MajOR In tHeAtRe," even that wonderful bit of information didn't ease my mind as I pondered my decision.
Once realizing that hidden and almost embarrassing fear, I also realized that I had let choosing my major define me. I was scared of being Cassidy, the "theatre major," or Cassidy, the "art history major," when in actuality, those things are a simply part of who Cassidy actually is, not the entirety. I am Cassidy who also acts or Cassidy who loves studying art history... Is this making sense? My definition of myself was being found in things I do or have done rather than who I actually am. I perceived other's opinions and what I looked like on paper as more important than who I actually am. We will always want to have more on our resume, but what does that do for us when we are sitting at home enjoying the company of family or friends? Probably prohibits such activity to even happen because our minds are too focused on shoving as much experience under our belts as possible. I have found that here is a huge difference between being passionately driven about something and ridiculously obsessed with becoming successful. Instead of jumping out in faith and following where I felt God was pulling my hand at the time, I panicked because it would mean I would lose the sense of control I had over what I thought defined me.
Now, ever since the 4th grade when I first read Robert Frost's, The Road Not Taken, God has reminded me of our relationship with a path. The path leads to Heaven with Him forever. The path is not leading me to Jesus, but rather Jesus holding my hand and leading me to eternity with God. (Hence the title of this blog) The way He is helping me process this semester is the COOLEST thing!
When I think about our relationship, I picture Jesus holding my hand as we walk down a narrow path. The path is cold at times and I draw closer, and sometimes it feels like we have reached Heaven already so I pull away thinking I can go one my own, but no matter what He never lets go. Sometimes I drag behind, sometimes I try and run too fast. Sometimes I get so mad and want to be at the end already because I know He knows the shortcut so why not just take it!? And other times I get so tired I just want to lay down, so He carries me. It gets dark and I think I am no longer with Him, but the morning brings the sun and I look over to see His face beaming at me like always. Then there are the sweetest times when Him and I are simply walking, talking and enjoying each other completely.
As we go along, Jesus will sometimes pick something up and give it to me for a bit of the journey! It ranges from another person to talk to or a fun job or just something that He know's I can learn from. I can get so distracted and caught up with these things though and I forget all about Him. I try and take my hand out of His grasp and place it in the palms of these other people or things, but eventually the grips always slip. They run into the woods, go too fast and leave me behind or even try and stop me from keeping on my path. When they leave me in the dust, I fall down and am unsure of which way they went or which way Jesus went and eventually feel so lost that it scares me. But Jesus never leaves me. I may be a crumpled mess on the floor and have ripped my hand away from Him so many times that He should have just kept going, but He doesn't. He knows that without Him I will never be able to make it on my own, so He picks me up and grabs my hand again to show me the way.
Walking this path with Him is hard at times because as much as I try and see ahead, I am never exactly sure of which direction to go. I may see a few steps in front of me, but that's it. I HAVE to rely completely on His hand guiding me. It's getting a little easier though, because I trust Him. I have been walking with Him for a few years now and He hasn't led be astray once. It's interesting, too, because I now recognize that the things jumping out of the woods to walk with us will surely leave at any moment, so my hesitation to rip my hand from Jesus's grip increases and my desire to replace His grasp with somethings else's decreases. I know His grasp and when I am lost... they aren't the ones coming back for me, He is.
This path doesn't lead me to the epic "one" (a husband) or to a major or the ultimate reason for my existence. This path is the existence. This path is me walking with Jesus as He leads me to eternity. This path is us walking more and more into Glory. Glorifying God with each new step and if I keep on this path and keep focusing on Jesus's hand leading me, these irrational fears and worldly desires will come along for the journey but never replace it nor reach the finish line with us.
At the end of the path, it's just Jesus finally opening the gate to our final destination, Heaven with our Father.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
(Psalm 23 ESV)
Blaaaaaah
Monday, November 14, 2011
| | | 0 Any thoughts? Comment!
I am frustrated. I feel awkward and in a place of uncertainty. What to do or where to go? Why can't I just settle and have peace with what seems like an easy solution?
I am upset. I feel a bit of anger towards God. I would have never admitted this before until a wise person reminded me that God can handle my frustration and anger. So I am going to be honest with my Father.
I am unsure. The past few weeks I have been focusing on listening to God. It's hard to listen when I feel like I am hearing contrasting things at different times. Which way is His way? Discernment is what I need.
I am fickle. I feel pulled in so many different directions. I see pros and cons in each one but it never fails that I keep moving and eventually reach a point of breakdown because I am unable to do everything or please every person.
I am unable to satisfy. It's dangerous when others trust you. I want to pour the love out that God's given me but it hurts when I forget to fill back up and as a result feel the scraping of other people's need for more. It's not my love they want or need but how to show that?
I am upset. I feel a bit of anger towards God. I would have never admitted this before until a wise person reminded me that God can handle my frustration and anger. So I am going to be honest with my Father.
I am unsure. The past few weeks I have been focusing on listening to God. It's hard to listen when I feel like I am hearing contrasting things at different times. Which way is His way? Discernment is what I need.
I am fickle. I feel pulled in so many different directions. I see pros and cons in each one but it never fails that I keep moving and eventually reach a point of breakdown because I am unable to do everything or please every person.
I am unable to satisfy. It's dangerous when others trust you. I want to pour the love out that God's given me but it hurts when I forget to fill back up and as a result feel the scraping of other people's need for more. It's not my love they want or need but how to show that?
As I get all of these things out I see the common denominator.
I am trying to be God.
I am not God.
God is perfect.
And I guess that is the only thing I can know for sure right now.
Learning to Listen
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
| | | 0 Any thoughts? Comment!
Often, while I am settling down in my lovely, comfy "productive" chair that is stationed in the corner my room, I throw my phone on my bed and turn off any noises that might distract me from being completely present with Jesus. I hate it when I accidentally leave my phone on loud because then when I get a text message, of course it reminds me a few minutes later and, being the human I am, all I can think about is who that message is from and why they are texting me right now. I get so frustrated with myself because I feel like if I was truly present in my quiet time I would not be distracted with the phone going off or even want to go check it.
This exact thing happened this morning. I am working on a group project and we are finalizing some stuff this morning so I knew it was from them and I knew we needed to get it done... but what do I do? Go ahead and get it and respond so they can move on or have them wait until I am finished even if that means I am thinking about rushing through so that I can respond to them after? How terrible is that! I hate when things like this happen because I am feeling the tugs of peace with Jesus and our world.
This week in the Blue Book, the subject is listening to God. Oh boy, if ever there was something I needed to work on -- this is it. It's funny because as I talk with friends about what's going on in their lives we all seem to be dealing with similar things and one of those right now is "listening to God."
When I hear that phrase, "listening to God," I immediately think of Old Testament scenes where God's voice is heard and the recipient answers like responding to a friend. It's hard for me to associate God's voice with our world today, but that does not mean He does not speak!
Think about when you pray... is it mostly you who does the talking? Yeah, me too. I even find myself filling up pages and pages of my journal without realizing how annoying my voice can be. What does it mean to sit and listen and let God speak to you through prayer? Well, don't ask me for the answer to that because I am learning, too.
One of the readings for reflection this week is from James Houston in The Transforming Power of Prayer:
"Our relationship with God would be greatly improved if we saw prayer as listening to God rather than talking to Him. Think of those boring people who talk endlessly to others (or rather at others). All their words show that they are distanced from others rather than close to them. Could this also be the reason why our prayers lack insight into the character of God? Openness to God, submissiveness to God, listening to his "still, small voice," may give us far more insight than the constant chatter which we are used to calling prayer."
Reading scripture over and over and not predicting the ends of the sentences because I am familiar with the verse but actually understanding what is going on and why this passage was written. What God was doing in that persons life or what Jesus is teaching through these words. These types of questions in my mind have helped so much with reading scripture and actually studying it rather than taking a verse and applying it to my day so that I feel better. Scripture is God-breathed so don't you think if we took the time to actually study and meditate on it that God's breath would fill us and we would be able to understand His voice?
Lastly, I'd like to point out that the devotion book by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, makes me laugh every day. I always read it at the end of my time with Jesus and it never fails to speak directly to what I learned through that time and what my mind is thinking as I open it! Haha literally, everytime and it's crazy! Seriously, here's the example from this morning:
This exact thing happened this morning. I am working on a group project and we are finalizing some stuff this morning so I knew it was from them and I knew we needed to get it done... but what do I do? Go ahead and get it and respond so they can move on or have them wait until I am finished even if that means I am thinking about rushing through so that I can respond to them after? How terrible is that! I hate when things like this happen because I am feeling the tugs of peace with Jesus and our world.
This week in the Blue Book, the subject is listening to God. Oh boy, if ever there was something I needed to work on -- this is it. It's funny because as I talk with friends about what's going on in their lives we all seem to be dealing with similar things and one of those right now is "listening to God."
When I hear that phrase, "listening to God," I immediately think of Old Testament scenes where God's voice is heard and the recipient answers like responding to a friend. It's hard for me to associate God's voice with our world today, but that does not mean He does not speak!
Think about when you pray... is it mostly you who does the talking? Yeah, me too. I even find myself filling up pages and pages of my journal without realizing how annoying my voice can be. What does it mean to sit and listen and let God speak to you through prayer? Well, don't ask me for the answer to that because I am learning, too.
One of the readings for reflection this week is from James Houston in The Transforming Power of Prayer:
"Our relationship with God would be greatly improved if we saw prayer as listening to God rather than talking to Him. Think of those boring people who talk endlessly to others (or rather at others). All their words show that they are distanced from others rather than close to them. Could this also be the reason why our prayers lack insight into the character of God? Openness to God, submissiveness to God, listening to his "still, small voice," may give us far more insight than the constant chatter which we are used to calling prayer."
Reading scripture over and over and not predicting the ends of the sentences because I am familiar with the verse but actually understanding what is going on and why this passage was written. What God was doing in that persons life or what Jesus is teaching through these words. These types of questions in my mind have helped so much with reading scripture and actually studying it rather than taking a verse and applying it to my day so that I feel better. Scripture is God-breathed so don't you think if we took the time to actually study and meditate on it that God's breath would fill us and we would be able to understand His voice?
MAN, that's some good stuff.
Lastly, I'd like to point out that the devotion book by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, makes me laugh every day. I always read it at the end of my time with Jesus and it never fails to speak directly to what I learned through that time and what my mind is thinking as I open it! Haha literally, everytime and it's crazy! Seriously, here's the example from this morning:
I was frustrated with myself for letting my phone distract me and as I opened Jesus Calling, this is what it reminded me... (pictures of today's for dramatic effect)
Really!? haha Goodness! Praise Jesus for speaking through anything He wants!
Kicking yourself only gives you bruises no matter what you're frustrated about. Work out schedules always remind you to not get too discouraged when you miss a day because you're more likely to fail Simply pick back up and be positive at what you are doing rather than what you have not done. It is better when we are weak anyways because then God is strong!
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