When I say that this semester has been the busiest, craziest, most challenging one yet... I mean it. Honestly, I cannot explain every situation because each day brings something new, but I can tell you that God has shown me incredible things.
For the past few months I have been struggling with what to major in because quite frankly I wish I could do everything. It has gone from Studio Art to Social Entrepreneurship to Theatre with an Art History minor and now it's Art History with a Theatre minor and I am about to be a second semester sophomore. I know.. make up your mind right!? Well, what I finally realized was that I had placed way too much pressure on myself with choosing a major because I subconsciously felt my major defined my future. Craziness!
I am passionate about acting, however, I cannot learn enough about art history and want to put into my brain as much information as possible. Does that mean I do not love acting? No. I had to search deep for the root of why it was so hard for me to switch my major and when it came down to it, I feared not being a real "actress" because my major was not Theatre. I know.. "oMg liKe So MaNy AcTorS dIdn'T MajOR In tHeAtRe," even that wonderful bit of information didn't ease my mind as I pondered my decision.
Once realizing that hidden and almost embarrassing fear, I also realized that I had let choosing my major define me. I was scared of being Cassidy, the "theatre major," or Cassidy, the "art history major," when in actuality, those things are a simply part of who Cassidy actually is, not the entirety. I am Cassidy who also acts or Cassidy who loves studying art history... Is this making sense? My definition of myself was being found in things I do or have done rather than who I actually am. I perceived other's opinions and what I looked like on paper as more important than who I actually am. We will always want to have more on our resume, but what does that do for us when we are sitting at home enjoying the company of family or friends? Probably prohibits such activity to even happen because our minds are too focused on shoving as much experience under our belts as possible. I have found that here is a huge difference between being passionately driven about something and ridiculously obsessed with becoming successful. Instead of jumping out in faith and following where I felt God was pulling my hand at the time, I panicked because it would mean I would lose the sense of control I had over what I thought defined me.
Now, ever since the 4th grade when I first read Robert Frost's, The Road Not Taken, God has reminded me of our relationship with a path. The path leads to Heaven with Him forever. The path is not leading me to Jesus, but rather Jesus holding my hand and leading me to eternity with God. (Hence the title of this blog) The way He is helping me process this semester is the COOLEST thing!
When I think about our relationship, I picture Jesus holding my hand as we walk down a narrow path. The path is cold at times and I draw closer, and sometimes it feels like we have reached Heaven already so I pull away thinking I can go one my own, but no matter what He never lets go. Sometimes I drag behind, sometimes I try and run too fast. Sometimes I get so mad and want to be at the end already because I know He knows the shortcut so why not just take it!? And other times I get so tired I just want to lay down, so He carries me. It gets dark and I think I am no longer with Him, but the morning brings the sun and I look over to see His face beaming at me like always. Then there are the sweetest times when Him and I are simply walking, talking and enjoying each other completely.
As we go along, Jesus will sometimes pick something up and give it to me for a bit of the journey! It ranges from another person to talk to or a fun job or just something that He know's I can learn from. I can get so distracted and caught up with these things though and I forget all about Him. I try and take my hand out of His grasp and place it in the palms of these other people or things, but eventually the grips always slip. They run into the woods, go too fast and leave me behind or even try and stop me from keeping on my path. When they leave me in the dust, I fall down and am unsure of which way they went or which way Jesus went and eventually feel so lost that it scares me. But Jesus never leaves me. I may be a crumpled mess on the floor and have ripped my hand away from Him so many times that He should have just kept going, but He doesn't. He knows that without Him I will never be able to make it on my own, so He picks me up and grabs my hand again to show me the way.
Walking this path with Him is hard at times because as much as I try and see ahead, I am never exactly sure of which direction to go. I may see a few steps in front of me, but that's it. I HAVE to rely completely on His hand guiding me. It's getting a little easier though, because I trust Him. I have been walking with Him for a few years now and He hasn't led be astray once. It's interesting, too, because I now recognize that the things jumping out of the woods to walk with us will surely leave at any moment, so my hesitation to rip my hand from Jesus's grip increases and my desire to replace His grasp with somethings else's decreases. I know His grasp and when I am lost... they aren't the ones coming back for me, He is.
This path doesn't lead me to the epic "one" (a husband) or to a major or the ultimate reason for my existence. This path is the existence. This path is me walking with Jesus as He leads me to eternity. This path is us walking more and more into Glory. Glorifying God with each new step and if I keep on this path and keep focusing on Jesus's hand leading me, these irrational fears and worldly desires will come along for the journey but never replace it nor reach the finish line with us.
At the end of the path, it's just Jesus finally opening the gate to our final destination, Heaven with our Father.
For the past few months I have been struggling with what to major in because quite frankly I wish I could do everything. It has gone from Studio Art to Social Entrepreneurship to Theatre with an Art History minor and now it's Art History with a Theatre minor and I am about to be a second semester sophomore. I know.. make up your mind right!? Well, what I finally realized was that I had placed way too much pressure on myself with choosing a major because I subconsciously felt my major defined my future. Craziness!
I am passionate about acting, however, I cannot learn enough about art history and want to put into my brain as much information as possible. Does that mean I do not love acting? No. I had to search deep for the root of why it was so hard for me to switch my major and when it came down to it, I feared not being a real "actress" because my major was not Theatre. I know.. "oMg liKe So MaNy AcTorS dIdn'T MajOR In tHeAtRe," even that wonderful bit of information didn't ease my mind as I pondered my decision.
Once realizing that hidden and almost embarrassing fear, I also realized that I had let choosing my major define me. I was scared of being Cassidy, the "theatre major," or Cassidy, the "art history major," when in actuality, those things are a simply part of who Cassidy actually is, not the entirety. I am Cassidy who also acts or Cassidy who loves studying art history... Is this making sense? My definition of myself was being found in things I do or have done rather than who I actually am. I perceived other's opinions and what I looked like on paper as more important than who I actually am. We will always want to have more on our resume, but what does that do for us when we are sitting at home enjoying the company of family or friends? Probably prohibits such activity to even happen because our minds are too focused on shoving as much experience under our belts as possible. I have found that here is a huge difference between being passionately driven about something and ridiculously obsessed with becoming successful. Instead of jumping out in faith and following where I felt God was pulling my hand at the time, I panicked because it would mean I would lose the sense of control I had over what I thought defined me.
Now, ever since the 4th grade when I first read Robert Frost's, The Road Not Taken, God has reminded me of our relationship with a path. The path leads to Heaven with Him forever. The path is not leading me to Jesus, but rather Jesus holding my hand and leading me to eternity with God. (Hence the title of this blog) The way He is helping me process this semester is the COOLEST thing!
When I think about our relationship, I picture Jesus holding my hand as we walk down a narrow path. The path is cold at times and I draw closer, and sometimes it feels like we have reached Heaven already so I pull away thinking I can go one my own, but no matter what He never lets go. Sometimes I drag behind, sometimes I try and run too fast. Sometimes I get so mad and want to be at the end already because I know He knows the shortcut so why not just take it!? And other times I get so tired I just want to lay down, so He carries me. It gets dark and I think I am no longer with Him, but the morning brings the sun and I look over to see His face beaming at me like always. Then there are the sweetest times when Him and I are simply walking, talking and enjoying each other completely.
As we go along, Jesus will sometimes pick something up and give it to me for a bit of the journey! It ranges from another person to talk to or a fun job or just something that He know's I can learn from. I can get so distracted and caught up with these things though and I forget all about Him. I try and take my hand out of His grasp and place it in the palms of these other people or things, but eventually the grips always slip. They run into the woods, go too fast and leave me behind or even try and stop me from keeping on my path. When they leave me in the dust, I fall down and am unsure of which way they went or which way Jesus went and eventually feel so lost that it scares me. But Jesus never leaves me. I may be a crumpled mess on the floor and have ripped my hand away from Him so many times that He should have just kept going, but He doesn't. He knows that without Him I will never be able to make it on my own, so He picks me up and grabs my hand again to show me the way.
Walking this path with Him is hard at times because as much as I try and see ahead, I am never exactly sure of which direction to go. I may see a few steps in front of me, but that's it. I HAVE to rely completely on His hand guiding me. It's getting a little easier though, because I trust Him. I have been walking with Him for a few years now and He hasn't led be astray once. It's interesting, too, because I now recognize that the things jumping out of the woods to walk with us will surely leave at any moment, so my hesitation to rip my hand from Jesus's grip increases and my desire to replace His grasp with somethings else's decreases. I know His grasp and when I am lost... they aren't the ones coming back for me, He is.
This path doesn't lead me to the epic "one" (a husband) or to a major or the ultimate reason for my existence. This path is the existence. This path is me walking with Jesus as He leads me to eternity. This path is us walking more and more into Glory. Glorifying God with each new step and if I keep on this path and keep focusing on Jesus's hand leading me, these irrational fears and worldly desires will come along for the journey but never replace it nor reach the finish line with us.
At the end of the path, it's just Jesus finally opening the gate to our final destination, Heaven with our Father.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
(Psalm 23 ESV)
2 Any thoughts? Comment!:
Cassidy,
Education is not a product, it is merely a continuous process. In truth, it is impossible to fit you into a major, which in reality is simply a scrap of paper with a handful or words. You define yourself as you, continue to refuse to let society fit you into where it feels you belong. Never stop learning, never stop growing.
I blogged about an article this past week, think you'd really enjoy reading it. It's from a recent lecture given at Stanford University on the very things you're discussing. http://chronicle.com/article/What-Are-You-Going-to-Do-With/124651/
Best,
Dave
Friend your courage and faith is so inspiring to me. You teach me so much.
Love,
KP
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