Cali-bound!

I cannot be more excited for tomorrow!! We are leaving for our annual family Christmas trip and this year it's to the west coast.  We will be hitting some of the major cities in California to enjoy the sweeeeet shopping, views and of course the beach! Packing was a pain, and it never fails that I lose something the night before (this time it was my wallet) but in the end we all somehow manage to get it all together and head to the airport just in time. Traveling fills this adventure hole in my heart - so getting on that plane is what I am looking forward to most.

 BLAH tomorrow morning it's 7am.... 

But that's okay because this time tomorrow I will be looking outside the window at the beautiful shores in Malibu. Yeah, I can get up real early for that.

...So, here comes some California blogging! 

In Quietness and Trust

As you remember (if you read any previous posts) this semester has been not only busy but pretty difficult in a lot of ways.  The difficulty did not solely come from academic work, but rather situations and spiritual growth.  This past semester has had almost general a theme for myself and surrounding friends of "hard."  It seemed that every conversation I had with a close friend, they were also going through a season of trying and feeling weaker than ever.  Maybe it's the age and time that my friends and I are at right now or maybe our society as a whole is getting more stressed, but it was crazy how tired people seemed to be getting day after day.  Maybe that's a better word to describe the season..... tiresome.  But also, it's been so so so so special and sweet.  

With this season of feeling tired and weak, the Lord rocked my world with a verse from Isaiah.  

It says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."  Isaiah 30:15

Now, I believe scripture to be God-breathed, but I guess I did not really take into consideration what that meant.  For me, it seems as if God has even whispered this verse in my ears on multiple occasions.  For instance, I would find myself wanting to fix a problem with explanations or try to talk through something when there was nothing left to talk about.  It was in these confused and weak times that Isaiah 30:15 would seep through my mind... "in quietness and trust is your strength."  It would remind me to let go and just trust.  I can talk all day about how important it is to trust God but just how much am I actually trusting?  I hear some people go on and on consoling themselves with "well, God did this for a reason... He has a plan" and I agree, but if you actually believe those words in your core then I think the way we handle situations would be a lot different from the way we actually are.

This verse reminds me to shutup alot of the time and let the Lord rule my heart.  It doesn't matter if I am outgoing or super happy all the time because the Lord doesn't need a good mood to work though, He can use anything and anyone and most likely, it's when I am the most unaware.  This understanding of being quiet and trusting is way easier said then done, especially for women because we just love talking and analyzing and beating an issue to the ground until we think we have a solution that is typically irrational.  In my psychology class, we talked about how women get caught in a depression easier compared to men typically, because we just will not stop dragging out the problem and want to keep talking about it!  Haha I understand that and definitely have been the most guilty in these conversations, however, this verse has even transformed my thinking in that way!  Instead of manufacturing some way to fix a problem or manipulate something to plan my own steps... be QUIET and TRUST.  Listen for the Lord and Trust in your quietness.  Trust in the Lord's plan, power, goodness and His timing...

I am telling you... God yelled this at me, or at least I yelled it at myself because all this time I felt weak, the Lord provided the answer to my "why" questions just like He answers the majority of my questions before I even ask.  "The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12  It's our survival kit, our manual from God Himself.  Whether I "feel" its power or not after I read doesn't matter because God doesn't work through our feelings alone.  His power and sovereignty does not rely on our acceptance, but rather exists on its own and has eternally.

With those previous thoughts being stated, I want to encourage asking God for wisdom and faith.  Ask Him to help you discern His voice and how to be more like Him because He will rock your world and show you in ways you had no idea He could.  The Lord works on His time and His plans are good, plans for a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad, 

I don't know why, but my mind refuses to take finals as seriously as I probably should.  It's as if Dead Day hits and the world becomes a beautiful treasure map with swirly twirly gumdrops! (Elf reference)  You probably recognize this transformation through my sudden increase in spending and our sudden decrease in communication...  

What you might have considered to be my most stressful time at college has actually been the opposite! While most students were locking themselves up in the library and shedding tears of blood, sweat and stress... your daughter was making some pretty great memories ;)

For example... 

1.

^^Delicious meals with my beautiful roommates!  

(Left: Taco Royale from Taco Mamacita & Right: Brownie Dessert from Urban Flats)

2.

^^Enjoying a Christmas Concert feat. Matt Wertz, Ben Rector, Dave Barnes etc.!

3.

^^Attending painting parties where a Goodwill sad puppy can turn into Swag Murphy! 

4. 

^^ Turning a box from one of Mom's 12 days of Christmas packages into our robot boyfriend!

5.

  

^^ Taking extremely awesome yet awkward Christmas card pictures with all the hidden treats that make up our cozy Ckando!

6.

^^ Attending a theatre Christmas party where Santa's costume reflected a college students budget and was therefore 10x more creepy!

7.

^^ Going on adventures with incredible friends to see Christmas lights at the Opryland Hotel in a car they decorated that felt like Santa's sleigh! 

8.

^^ Making everyone watch Shrek 2 over and over until they finally realized it was starting from the beginning again!

9.

^^ Getting to unwrap new leaders and enjoy music from Matt Wertz & Brandon Heath at the Younglife Christmas party!

10.

^^ Actually getting some work done, but never locked up in a library... because who wants that when you can snuggle up next to robot boyfriend?

Now, don't you feel like these memories and this smiling face are far more valuable than any A+?? 

............. I sure hope you do

Sincerely,

Cassidy

Wedding Fever

What incredible gifts friends are!  The Lord has been really pouring truth into my soul through other people the past few months and revealing more of Himself with each conversation.  Do you ever have those conversations that just feel powerful?  It's as if God's incredible energy is flowing in every part of you and bursting out to the other person and vice versa.  

I just left a conversation that felt exactly like that.  One of my dearest friends, Jenny, has a heart of gold.  Ever since we met by being on the same Younglife team last year, God has consistently blessed me with her.  We just sat in the car telling each other about the past few days and what God has been doing in our lives.  We have been through some pretty crappy times this semester and to sit together and reflect on those times as this semester comes to a close is mind boggling.  I could have sworn we would be stuck in those pits forever because at times they felt impossible to handle, however, just as He always does- God delivered us from the pits.  Being able to share the darkest valleys and the highest peaks with Jenny has been one of the most blessed and treasured things about this semester because it has been vulnerable and real.  She does not encounter struggles with all smiles because no matter how much faith we have in the Lord's power... sin and being on this earth is still a struggle.  

Being able to be in that funk yet still be encouraged by people who ask nothing in return is another special gift. Thank you, Jesus for real community in You.

Recently, it has seemed that everyone came home from Thanksgiving with marriage on the mind.  I knew college aged students would start talking about it more and more but I never actually estimated just how much that would be.  I would go in a room and no matter what the conversation would eventually lead to, "What are you looking for in a husband/wife?" or "Oh! I want my wedding to be like this..."  What? I know it is possible for me to get married right now, but that thought is baffling and I have been frustrated with what seems like so many people rushing to get married for the simple reason of "being married."  ....Wedding fever is real, people, and it's contagious! 

The other day I had a funny breakdown while helping my friend paint his room.  I was letting my frustration out about this whole marriage thing and eventually yelled, "What happened to being passionate about something else besides a relationship!?  Where are the driven and motivated for other things? Give me those people so we can talk about something else for a change because there is more to life than just finding a husband or wife!"   Whew.  Dramatic, I know, but I was tired, okay?

This relationship, this marriage thing that we want so badly is not out of nowhere, though.  It's the desire we were created for... the desire for our bridegroom who is Christ.  He is who I want, not the tall dark and handsome mountain man who I used to describe as my future husband.  The "dream guy" might be an added bonus but he will not satisfy me like my already committed Savior.  Jesus is waiting at the altar and so in love. Let's get excited about this romance, the one that has been happening since before we were even born.  The romance that, if we open our eyes to it, will sweep us off our feet every single day.  His love for us is what marriage between two people should be modeled after, not the other way around.  

Matthew 25:1-13 reminds me of how important it is to stay focused.  Let's not get so caught up in our relationships here on this earth that we miss our real bridegroom coming to take us home.  

Christmas Decor!

So Christmas time is upon us and therefore the decorating has taken over.  Our little townhouse (that we call "The Ckando" and it bothers my mom so much because it's not a condo... haha)  has been pimped out with the latest accessories.  

Let me give you a little peek... ;)

^^ take note of the toy train that Kallen purchased because she told us it has been a childhood dream of hers to own one but her parents never let her ...... UNTIL NOW! YEAH COLLEGE!

^^Santa just chillin with the remote

^^ We even invite you to celebrate Christmas in the bathroom

^^And this is why I love this season: friends, cozy study parties, coffee/tea, candles, etc.

So embrace the beautiful coziness and meditate on this time of Advent.  It's wonderful. 

Gratefulness

Remember how I was so busy and stressed these past few weeks?  Well, part of me thinks the Lord placed Thanksgiving at this point in the semester for the very reason to slow us crazy people down!  Haha  But of course, Thanksgiving is about much more than making sure college kids eat and sleep decently.  This break was wonderful. I went home and got to spend time with my entire family which is not too often now that my sister is in law school and my brother a crazy junior in high school.  I got to sleep more than I think I have ever been able to sleep and ate to my hearts content.  How spoiled can I get?  I laid in my bed last night and even though it is pretty cold in my little townhouse I wrapped my feet around a heating pad, pulled up the covers around me and thought, "Holy crap, I am spoiled."  I know it sounds even annoying hearing those words but really... I was hit head on with the fact that my goodness I am spoiled and bratty and ungrateful more times than I am thankful.  Just when I thought I had a handle on being thankful for what the Lord has provided for me, I find more and more things that I take for granted and forget to thank Him for! Like my sweatshirts and the oatmeal sitting in my pantry.  It's even these little things I have never had to really go without that I forget to thank Him for because honestly, I don't understand what it means to not have them in the first place.  That's how the majority of my school lives, too and the majority of the people who I have been surrounded with my entire life.  Usually, we take mission trips to make us thankful for a clean house and a bed to sleep in but what I understand now is that the people we go to on mission trips don't want our pity or for us to realize how blessed WE are after seeing what we have and they don't, but rather to wake us up and learn from those who are thankful for what little they do have because more times than not they have more joy than us already.  Goodness, I hate being unthankful or being called out for not being grateful.  It is not that I am not grateful for everything I have, but rather I honestly didn't realize that there would be a time where I would not be provided in such a way.  I am so accustomed to having certain things taken care of that when my parents get on to me for being ungrateful, I am reminded that every single thing is a gift, even when it is provided consistently my whole life.  It hurts my parents when I do not thank them for something they have sacrificed or worked hard to give me, and I wonder if it hurts God as well when we do not thank Him for his sacrifice.  If we as humans really want recognition or gratitude for our gifts to others, does God as well?  I know He does not need it, but does He want it?  I am being bombarded with devotions about being thankful... who is that for- God or us?  Maybe it's the act of being thankful that is ultimately for our understanding of what an incredible gift Jesus was for a people who did not deserve it.  Maybe being thankful is not for the giver, but rather for the receiver to understand how valuable the gift really is.  Hm...

Taking the path less traveled by...

When I say that this semester has been the busiest, craziest, most challenging one yet... I mean it.  Honestly, I cannot explain every situation because each day brings something new, but I can tell you that God has shown me incredible things.

For the past few months I have been struggling with what to major in because quite frankly I wish I could do everything.  It has gone from Studio Art to Social Entrepreneurship to Theatre with an Art History minor and now it's Art History with a Theatre minor and I am about to be a second semester sophomore. I know.. make up your mind right!?  Well, what I finally realized was that I had placed way too much pressure on myself with choosing a major because I subconsciously felt my major defined my future.  Craziness!

 I am passionate about acting, however, I cannot learn enough about art history and want to put into my brain as much information as possible.  Does that mean I do not love acting? No.  I had to search deep for the root of why it was so hard for me to switch my major and when it came down to it, I feared not being a real "actress" because my major was not Theatre.  I know.. "oMg liKe So MaNy AcTorS dIdn'T MajOR In tHeAtRe," even that wonderful bit of information didn't ease my mind as I pondered my decision.

Once realizing that hidden and almost embarrassing fear, I also realized that I had let choosing my major define me. I was scared of being Cassidy, the "theatre major," or Cassidy, the "art history major," when in actuality, those things are a simply part of who Cassidy actually is, not the entirety.  I am Cassidy who also acts or Cassidy who loves studying art history... Is this making sense?  My definition of myself was being found in things I do or have done rather than who I actually am.  I perceived other's opinions and what I looked like on paper as more important than who I actually am.  We will always want to have more on our resume, but what does that do for us when we are sitting at home enjoying the company of family or friends? Probably prohibits such activity to even happen because our minds are too focused on shoving as much experience under our belts as possible.  I have found that here is a huge difference between being passionately driven about something and ridiculously obsessed with becoming successful.  Instead of jumping out in faith and following where I felt God was pulling my hand at the time, I panicked because it would mean I would lose the sense of control I had over what I thought defined me.

Now, ever since the 4th grade when I first read Robert Frost's, The Road Not Taken, God has reminded me of our relationship with a path. The path leads to Heaven with Him forever.  The path is not leading me to Jesus, but rather Jesus holding my hand and leading me to eternity with God.  (Hence the title of this blog) The way He is helping me process this semester is the COOLEST thing!




When I think about our relationship, I picture Jesus holding my hand as we walk down a narrow path.  The path is cold at times and I draw closer, and sometimes it feels like we have reached Heaven already so I pull away thinking I can go one my own, but no matter what He never lets go.  Sometimes I drag behind, sometimes I try and run too fast.  Sometimes I get so mad and want to be at the end already because I know He knows the shortcut so why not just take it!? And other times I get so tired I just want to lay down, so He carries me.  It gets dark and I think I am no longer with Him, but the morning brings the sun and I look over to see His face beaming at me like always.  Then there are the sweetest times when Him and I are simply walking, talking and enjoying each other completely.

As we go along, Jesus will sometimes pick something up and give it to me for a bit of the journey! It ranges from another person to talk to or a fun job or just something that He know's I can learn from.  I can get so distracted and caught up with these things though and I forget all about Him.  I try and take my hand out of His grasp and place it in the palms of these other people or things, but eventually the grips always slip. They run into the woods, go too fast and leave me behind or even try and stop me from keeping on my path.  When they leave me in the dust, I fall down and am unsure of which way they went or which way Jesus went and eventually feel so lost that it scares me.  But Jesus never leaves me.  I may be a crumpled mess on the floor and have ripped my hand away from Him so many times that He should have just kept going, but He doesn't.  He knows that without Him I will never be able to make it on my own, so He picks me up and grabs my hand again to show me the way.

Walking this path with Him is hard at times because as much as I try and see ahead, I am never exactly sure of which direction to go.  I may see a few steps in front of me, but that's it.  I HAVE to rely completely on His hand guiding me.  It's getting a little easier though, because I trust Him.  I have been walking with Him for a few years now and He hasn't led be astray once.  It's interesting, too, because I now recognize that the things jumping out of the woods to walk with us will surely leave at any moment, so my hesitation to rip my hand from Jesus's grip increases and my desire to replace His grasp with somethings else's decreases.   I know His grasp and when I am lost... they aren't the ones coming back for me, He is.

This path doesn't lead me to the epic "one" (a husband) or to a major or the ultimate reason for my existence.  This path is the existence.  This path is me walking with Jesus as He leads me to eternity.  This path is us walking more and more into Glory.  Glorifying God with each new step and if I keep on this path and keep focusing on Jesus's hand leading me, these irrational fears and worldly desires will come along for the journey but never replace it nor reach the finish line with us.

At the end of the path, it's just Jesus finally opening the gate to our final destination, Heaven with our Father.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD

forever.

                (Psalm 23 ESV)

Blaaaaaah

I am frustrated. I feel awkward and in a place of uncertainty.  What to do or where to go?  Why can't I just settle and have peace with what seems like an easy solution?

I am upset.  I feel a bit of anger towards God.  I would have never admitted this before until a wise person reminded me that God can handle my frustration and anger.  So I am going to be honest with my Father.

I am unsure. The past few weeks I have been focusing on listening to God.  It's hard to listen when I feel like I am hearing contrasting things at different times.  Which way is His way? Discernment is what I need.

I am fickle.  I feel pulled in so many different directions.  I see pros and cons in each one but it never fails that I keep moving and eventually reach a point of breakdown because I am unable to do everything or please every person.

I am unable to satisfy.  It's dangerous when others trust you.  I want to pour the love out that God's given me but it hurts when I forget to fill back up and as a result feel the scraping of other people's need for more.  It's not my love they want or need but how to show that?

As I get all of these things out I see the common denominator.  

I am trying to be God.

I am not God.  

God is perfect. 

And I guess that is the only thing I can know for sure right now. 

Learning to Listen

Often, while I am settling down in my lovely, comfy "productive" chair that is stationed in the corner my room, I throw my phone on my bed and turn off any noises that might distract me from being completely present with Jesus.  I hate it when I accidentally leave my phone on loud because then when I get a text message, of course it reminds me a few minutes later and, being the human I am, all I can think about is who that message is from and why they are texting me right now.  I get so frustrated with myself because I feel like if I was truly present in my quiet time I would not be distracted with the phone going off or even want to go check it.

This exact thing happened this morning.  I am working on a group project and we are finalizing some stuff this morning so I knew it was from them and I knew we needed to get it done... but what do I do?  Go ahead and get it and respond so they can move on or have them wait until I am finished even if that means I am thinking about rushing through so that I can respond to them after?  How terrible is that!  I hate when things like this happen because I am feeling the tugs of peace with Jesus and our world.

This week in the Blue Book, the subject is listening to God.  Oh boy, if ever there was something I needed to work on -- this is it.  It's funny because as I talk with friends about what's going on in their lives we all seem to be dealing with similar things and one of those right now is "listening to God."

When I hear that phrase, "listening to God," I immediately think of Old Testament scenes where God's voice is heard and the recipient answers like responding to a friend.  It's hard for me to associate God's voice with our world today, but that does not mean He does not speak!

Think about when you pray... is it mostly you who does the talking? Yeah, me too.  I even find myself filling up pages and pages of my journal without realizing how annoying my voice can be.  What does it mean to sit and listen and let God speak to you through prayer?  Well, don't ask me for the answer to that because I am learning, too.

One of the readings for reflection this week is from James Houston in The Transforming Power of Prayer:

"Our relationship with God would be greatly improved if we saw prayer as listening to God rather than talking to Him.  Think of those boring people who talk endlessly to others (or rather at others). All their words show that they are distanced from others rather than close to them.  Could this also be the reason why our prayers lack insight into the character of God? Openness to God, submissiveness to God, listening to his "still, small voice," may give us far more insight than the constant chatter which we are used to calling prayer." 

Reading scripture over and over and not predicting the ends of the sentences because I am familiar with the verse but actually understanding what is going on and why this passage was written.  What God was doing in that persons life or what Jesus is teaching through these words.  These types of questions in my mind have helped so much with reading scripture and actually studying it rather than taking a verse and applying it to my day so that I feel better. Scripture is God-breathed so don't you think if we took the time to actually study and meditate on it that God's breath would fill us and we would be able to understand His voice?

MAN, that's some good stuff. 

Lastly, I'd like to point out that the devotion book by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, makes me laugh every day.  I always read it at the end of my time with Jesus and it never fails to speak directly to what I learned through that time and what my mind is thinking as I open it!  Haha literally, everytime and it's crazy! Seriously, here's the example from this morning:

I was frustrated with myself for letting my phone distract me and as I opened Jesus Calling, this is what it reminded me... (pictures of today's for dramatic effect)

Really!?  haha Goodness! Praise Jesus for speaking through anything He wants! 

Kicking yourself only gives you bruises no matter what you're frustrated about. Work out schedules always remind you to not get too discouraged when you miss a day because you're more likely to fail Simply pick back up and be positive at what you are doing rather than what you have not done.  It is better when we are weak anyways because then God is strong!

Quote from A.W. Tozer

"Retire from the world each day to some private spot, even if it be only the bedroom (for a while I retreated to the furnace room for want of a better place).  Stay in the secret place till the surrounding noises begin to fade out of your heart and a sense of God's presence envelops you... Listen for the inward Voice till you learn to recognize it. Stop trying to compete with others.  Give yourself to God and then be what and who you are without regard to what others think... Learn to pray inwardly every moment. After a while you can do this even while you work... Read less, but more of what is important to your inner life.  Never let your mind remain scattered for very long. Call home your roving thoughts. Gaze on Christ with the eyes of your soul. Practice spiritual concentration. All of the above is contingent upon a right relation to God through Christ and daily meditation on Scriptures.  Lacking these, nothing will help us; granted these, the discipline recommended will go far to neutralize the evil effects of externalism and to make us acquainted with God and our own souls."  

(The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer)

HIS will be done

Well, remember the post where I was jumping for joy and excited?  Yeah, that was awesome.  Sadly, I haven't been that excited this entire time but what I have been realizing is how balanced I am becoming as I walk with Jesus.  I am learning the importance of and the fruit that comes with perseverance and discipline.  How, even though at times the last thing I want to do is praise God because the hurt is too much, I say out loud "...blessed be YOUR name." I am learning what it means to seek God through the hard times and thank Him with praises through the good.  That no matter what, HIS WILL BE DONE.

I don't think results from practicing discipline had come before because I had never actually committed long enough.  "Quiet times" were waking up 5 minutes earlier and stumbling through a blurry bible verse just to check off that I did rather than meditating on scripture and actually hanging out with Jesus.

It's a peaceful and new experience, walking with a bit more balance than before.  My awareness of God and His presence does not go to extremes but rather steadily throughout the day.  It's like choosing God on a smaller yet more frequent scale because instead of just choosing "Yes, I believe in God today" or "No I don't"  I am realizing that as time goes on, walking with balance asks the question, "Are you trusting God" in every situation.  And as I am more aware of this question, I find myself asking it on a smaller, more frequent scale and realizing my hesitance more and more.

If you're feeling discouraged because you don't feel like you've completely committed to God, don't kick yourself!  (Jeff Wirth would say, "Don't kick yourself, it only gives you bruises.")  Every day is new and God's waiting for His children to ask for help. He knows that we need to worship Him and will do anything so that we can have Him. Walking with Jesus is not just the spiritual high you get after summer camp. The richest part of a relationship comes as time goes on and we continue with perseverance and discipline.  We consciously choose our Father over everything else.

I feel like I reference the Blue Book so much but I can't help it! I have to share!  Here's the closing prayer for this week:

"You stir us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." -Confessions by St. Augustine

Receive It

I am in the process of processing, if ya know what I mean.

This past weekend I got to be apart of an incredible opportunity.  As a theatre department and then specifically as the cast of The Antics of Romantics, we worked with the playwright, Jeff Wirth.  It would be as if Shakespeare came to help you out with your production of Romeo and Juliet.  I know! It was amazing! Click on his name above and check out his site-He is the most humble, encouraging and fun person to work with that I felt a loss the moment rehearsal ended and he had to fly back to New York.

"I believe in the power of play.

I believe in the empowerment of others.

Interactive performance fulfills both." -Jeff Wirth

One of Jeff's of the main points that Jeff wanted to make sure we understood was that every person wants to play.  It may not be in the same way that you play, so learn how they do and then play along!  


It's incredible how much little we play in our society and how little people go along with how we play. Playing does not end with adulthood!  It's freeing and enables decisions to be made through reaction rather than strong pressure to do things right.  Why don't we let ourselves play anymore?  




The Antics of Romantics is an interactive show meaning that the audience plays roles throughout the performance just as much as the actors in the cast.  (If you're thinking of improv, you're right, but not entirely) It's basically unselfish theatre because while most of the time you go to see a show to only be entertained by the actors, interactive theatre requires "spect-actors" to be apart of telling the story.  I am giving you the spark-noted version of the spark notes right now because there is so much more to it, but I wanted to give you a brief definition so you can better understand a bit better.

Interactive theatre requires the actors to be completely present and aware not only of their own actions but every single action that is going on around them.  You never know where another person's slight turn of the head might lead you, so go with it!

Along with being present and aware, you must completely trust other people, audience included.  We did an exercise to further understand our ability to trust and I found that I am much more comfortable trusting others than I am trusting myself with other people.  Which should have probably been obvious to me? But seeing it play out in such a simple exercise brought much stronger clarity.

The coolest part of all the exercises and the workshops in general was understanding humans better.  We are all communicating something and most of the time it's not through words.  Do I even notice or am I too concerned with my next "line" to even react to what the other person is already giving me?  Will I want to play along?

Like I said... I'm in the process of processing.

Joy Comes in the Morning

AH! I cannot begin to tell you how great today has been.  I don't know why, but I am PUMPED and when I say PUMPED I mean like giddy, dancing around, wanting to sing kind of pumped.  I have had this unbelievable amount of joy and excitement for SOMETHING and I don't have any idea what it is!

The past couple weeks have been hard.  For some reason my heart was extremely heavy and I felt like every second of the day was a struggle to choose God.  Now, I know we all experience hard times, but this time it was different because I actually "sat" in it.  My pastor the other day was talking about the importance of groaning to God and so this period specifically consisted of not only groaning but continuous prayer and seeking after what I know to be true: God is good, He loves me, and I am never alone.  Whew!  It's hard admitting to others that you are struggling and for me, it's been hard admitting to God that I am struggling.

As you probably can tell, I love to write about things, so when I pray, I usually write in a journal.  This has been a habit for a couple of years now and at first, I was especially excited to see how God answered prayers.  What I am learning now and seeing throughout my journals is how God is shaping me.  I look at my prayers from even just a few months ago to now and theres a huge difference.  I have forced myself to be completely honest and own up to my failures and sins instead of praying for God to just cover them.

Prayer has always been tricky for me because growing up in a private Christian world, people tend to get breathy and use big words.  I never wanted to pray out loud because I was convinced I'd never sound as great as that "really great Christian" person over there.  What seems so obvious yet took me so long to realize is that prayer isn't supposed to fit into a formula.  There's not a phrase or name your supposed to say that makes God hear yours louder.  Prayer is simply you talking with your Father, and the more I do it whether it be in my journal or out loud, the more comfortable I become.  The more I hangout with God the easier it is to be honest and know what to ask because I am getting to know Him more.  It makes perfect sense!  The more time you spend with and get to know someone, the easier it is to talk to them and feel confident that they are listening because you are close.

Writing about the hard times is so neat because I get to days like today where I want to scream on the top of a mountain and can see how God never let go of my hand.  I have to choose Him every second and I definitely do not choose Him all the time.  It is a battle, I'm tellin ya, and it has sucked.  But MAN does joy come in the morning!! (Psalm 30)

Reading Psalms now as I am growing and maturing as a Christian even looks differently.  I mean, look at the majority of Davids words!-- this guy struggled and voiced it without ever hiding how he felt.  He actually talked to God and realized that God could handle any anger or frustration.  I found that my prayer journal is looking more and more like the way David wrote in Psalms because there are days when I am questioning why something is happening or why God is being silent and I am furious.  Or times when I am struggling but almost reassuring myself with how powerful God is.  Just because I may not feel like He is at the time, I'd rather say God is good because it's true than wallow in self-pity and not trust God will ever help me out.  But then there are times when I feel like God is bear hugging me and I want to dance, so I tell Him every little detail about it!  Praising and thanking because I don't even know what else I can do!  There's no formula, just being real.


I use Jim Branch's Blue Book as a helpful guide for my quiet times and there was the coolest excerpt from C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed: 

"He can't be used as a road. If you're approaching Him not as the goal, but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all."  

YES!  For so long I looked to God as the road and then Heaven as the end, which will be in the end, BUT thinking about it in this light brings such a different perspective to me!  God is the END and choosing Him is the goal of every single thing we do!  The road may be this life, in general, with it's ups and downs, but the greatest thing about it is that we know what's at the end, so we continue to go through the good and the bad to get to God!  And Jesus is right there with us until we finally cross the finish line and it's JUST Him! We cannot get there by being idle, we WILL walk on a path. I guess it's just up to us to choose who or what we are walking towards.  Heck, I want to run!

This post is getting long and went in a completely different direction than I thought it was going to but I felt like I had to open a document and type something.  I needed to explain how incredibly peaceful and happy I am. How excited I am for something for which I feel God has been preparing me.  

It sounds weird, doesn't it?  But I just know it's good.  

God's plan is GOOD

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first  the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:25-34

I came home for Fall Break and forgot how out of sight out of mind I am sometimes.  So many things happened here. The majority of my entire life revolved around a few miles here. Isn't that crazy to think about?  "Cassidy" has been built through experiences in Memphis, Tennessee.  I learned so much here and most of the time I had to learn the hard way. I went this one Chickfila every single morning for years before school. I drove down this one street more times than I can count. I had my first kiss, first love and first heart break all right here.  I experienced loss and celebrated birth here.  I laughed so hard that I cried and cried so hard that I felt sick.   I met my best friends here and have spent hours upon hours talking right in their rooms down the street.  Jesus called out my name one night right in the middle of my bedroom floor here and showed me how to follow Him.  

So many good things happened while growing up in Memphis and yet I do not feel like myself when I am here. 

When I moved to Nashville, life was weird. I moved away from everything into a world that did not know who I was and therefore I had to just be me.  I don't even think I really knew who that was because I had always been around people who had known me forever and so I did not have to remind them.  However, I realized once I got to college that I had not actually been able to be me for a long time because back home I was almost forced to remain who I had been for so long because that's all everyone knew.  A lot happens as you're growing up and people change incredibly, especially when the Lord works in your life.  I had changed immensely but was not really able to be free in it until I was surrounded by people who had not known me my whole life. 

It isn't even that I was some hooligan that everyone thought was crazy, in fact quite the opposite.  But, for whatever reason, I felt trapped.  

I am the type of person that enjoys change and finds excitement in new adventures, so of course I was more than ready for a change of scenery once graduation came.  I packed up my things and headed off into an unknown world of many different types of people.  It's as if I left all the baggage I had been carrying around here at the doorstep and started fresh.  

I get caught up in the dark places of my life when I come home. I do not really experience that in Nashville because I have not spent enough time there to go through as much as I did here.  I forget about the good things going on when I focus on the bad and forget to count my blessings over the crap.  It's a terrible trap!  Jesus did not leave me when I crossed the city line and I need to quit acting like He did.  I take steps back into the stages of life that happened here and have a hard time bringing the present into my thoughts about the past.  Does that make any sense? It's like thinking about only the good things that happened in an old relationship without acknowledging the terrible things that caused you two to break up.  When you think only about the good things, you want to get back together but you shouldn't because the bad outweighed the good and therefore it'd be a terrible decision.  You block the bad out until someone reminds you or you try it out again and remember why it was you broke up in the first place.  You forget all the things that are happening right now and the good things that led you to this new place of peace because you go back into the dark place of unrest.  I think Satan knows how to bring me into that place and trick me there.  He wants me to forget all that God is doing and has done by reminding me of dark things in the past.

I am a great "blocker outer" and my friends laugh at me for it all the time.  If you do not have friends who slap you into reality when you need it, I recommend getting some immediately. They keep me sane.  For example, Chandler reminded my today how easy it is to miss and be reminiscent of the past because we know how it ends.  We have a sense of control over it and therefore do not have to "risk anything."  She said that it is the future which causes us to wait for God and that scares us because we have no idea what's coming next.  TRUTH.  

I can read Jeremiah 29:11 a million times but it's not until I am forced to accept I have no control that I have to trust in God's plan for my life.  It is when my attempts at planning my next step or attempts at forcing what  think should happen that God reminds me He is the only one who actually knows what's going to happen and it is good because I love Him.  I had to seriously take a step back today and ask myself if I REALLY believed that God works for the good of those who love Him? 

Do I REALLY trust that God has a plan for me?  That it is good?

Obviously not all the time or else I would not have panic attacks over little things like what I should major in.  God has me in His hands! He see's the WHOLE picture and He knows I don't.  Trust is accepting that and believing in His goodness!  Man, that's a hard thing to do and something that doesn't come naturally but takes constant practice because I think our default is self-sufficiency.  I'd prefer getting my world rocked every second to remind myself of how out of control I am than having it easy and not needing God in every area of my life.  Are you not sure of what to do next?  Count it as a blessing because you have nothing else to do but TRUST, and that's exactly where we should be.  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

((  I found this on a fellow blogger's wall and needed to pass it along ))

My wife, Mary Ann, and I have enjoyed pondering and discussing the following section of Tim Keller’s new book, The Prodigal God.

“In his book The Four Loves, Lewis wrote a striking meditation on his [friend Charles Williams'] death in an essay entitled ‘Friendship.’

In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out.  By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets.  Now that Charles [Williams] is dead, I shall never again see Ronald’s [Tolkien's] reaction to a specifically Charles joke.  Far from having more of Ronald, having him “to myself” now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald . . . In this, Friendship exhibits a glorious “nearness by resemblance” to heaven itself where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each of us has of God.  For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that unique vision to all the rest.  That, says an old author, is why the Seraphim in Isaiah’s vision are crying “Holy, Holy, Holy” to one another (Isaiah 6:3).  The more we thus share the Heavenly Bread between us, the more we shall have.

“Lewis is saying that it took a community to know an individual.  How much more would this be true of Jesus Christ?  Christians commonly say they want a relationship with Jesus, that they want to ‘get to know Jesus better.’ You will never be able to do that by yourself.  You must be deeply involved in the church, in the Christian community, with strong relationships of love and accountability.  Only if you are part of a community of believers seeking to resemble, serve, and love Jesus will you ever get to know him and grow into his likeness.”  (Tim Keller, The Prodigal God, pp. 126-127)

Source: http://blog.livinghopeverona.com/?p=75